


forever

by writersj



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:54:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 36,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24326107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writersj/pseuds/writersj
Summary: The younger boy's eyes fall onto their intertwined hands - his thumb wandering softly over the older boy's wrist. He let his eyes wander over the words - which are tattooed onto the older boy's wrist. The younger let the words sink in once more - let them hit him as deeply as they had when he had first read them years ago."Because my hand might be in yours only for a moment..."While the smaller boy is saying those words, he let his eyes connect with the other boy's own once more. There isn't just a grin spreading onto the small boy's lips - but also on the taller boy's. The younger boy can feel the happiness run through his body - the happiness that comes with the older boy. The happiness that comes with loving the older boy.The elder knows where the younger was going with this - maybe he had known all along what the younger boy is about to say. Connecting his lips with the smaller boy's soft ones, he interrupts his words. He wants to finish what his lover was saying. He squeezes their hands together."...But my heart will be yours forever."OrThe story where Wooyoung and San had to lose each other to learn how strong their love really is.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 70





	1. no matter how much i try to erase you i know i can't

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by the quote "You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever."
> 
> tw / usage of alcohol and drugs, vulgar language, making out, mention of losing virginity and short coming out story

_ The two boys were lying in bed together the way they usually did. The smaller boy was lying on top of the older with his head comfortably lying on the taller boy's chest. They had one hand linked together, while the taller boy let his other hand run through the now black locks of the smaller boy. He saw how the smaller boy closed his eyes – obviously enjoying the feeling of fingers running through his hair. The older boy smiled – placing a soft kiss onto the younger boy's head. _

_ The two boys had been cuddling this way since they were kids. It had ended with the younger lying on top of the older boy when the younger of the two had whined about wanting to cuddle while they were having one of their usual movie nights. After that night, it just came naturally. The younger boy just made himself comfortable on the taller boy's chest while the older played with the smaller boy's hair. One of their hands was always linked with each other – making it seem like they were scared the other would leave if they ever let go. _

_ The taller boy unlinked their hands this time though. He let his hand slide down to the younger boy's wrist where he let his thumb run softly along the words written on the smaller boy's wrist. They were the words that started the sentence that ended on his own wrist. The exact wrist of the hand that was running over the younger boy's tattoo. _

**_"My hand might be in yours only for a moment…"_ **

**_"…but my heart will be yours forever."_ **

****_ The smaller boy opened his eyes when he heard the older boy call out his name. He laid his chin on the older boy's chest so he was able to look into the other's eyes. The blonde just smiled down at him – pure adoration obvious in his eyes – before he placed a soft kiss onto the younger boy's lips. _

_ Kisses weren't uncommon between the two – so much more had happened between them in the years of their friendship. But something had changed – had changed the relationship the two boys had built for years. _

_ "You can't just kiss me anymore…" _

_ here was a whine falling from the older boy’s lips – the male not ready for where their conversation was headed. All he wanted was to give the younger another kiss. He just wanted them to go back to cuddling – no talking. But the smaller boy sat up and straddled the taller boy's lap. _

_ I'm not the one that got into a relationship…" were the words that left the smaller boy’s lips. His eyes had fallen onto the older boy's chest whe _ _ re he had started fiddling with his fingers. He was trying to hide the pain he felt, but the tone of his voice had given it away so easily: "If you had wanted to keep this relationship, you know that you could have made me yours years ago…" _

_ The pain in the younger boy's voice was too evident for the elder to ignore. He wanted to look into the younger boy's eyes – he wanted to somehow tell him how sorry he was, but he knew he was the one who had gotten them where they were at the moment. _

_ The younger boy had shown him more than once that he loved him – had made it so obvious that he meant everything to the younger. But the older boy was scared. He was so scared of losing the boy because of the feelings they had for each other. He was scared that those exact feelings would ruin whatever they ha _ _ d built over the years of being  _ best friends _. He didn’t want to lose the younger boy – no matter what it took. _

_ So, he never let the three words the younger boy so desperately wanted to hear past his lips. Instead, he just hugged him and gave the smaller boy a kiss to his head. Hoping that those actions somehow conveyed how he felt – conveyed to the black-haired boy just how much he loved him. _

_ "Wooyoung…" _

_ "I think you should leave for tonight…" _

_ The younger didn't give the older boy another choice than to do what he asked. The moment he had left the older boy's lap, the decision was final – there was no way to convince the younger boy to let him stay. The older could only sigh before he got up from the bed and left the younger boy's room. _

_ But before he really left, he let his eyes travel once more over the smaller boy. Taking in his soft beauty and the pain that was written all over the younger's face. _

_ —  _

The moment Wooyoung entered the canteen of his college, he saw a group of seven boys laughing together, enjoying their time. It made him smile. He loved when his friends were so at ease, just in their own world and enjoying themselves together.

But it also made his heart ache. It made him question if he should really join them, because he knew the mood would change the moment he sat down.

Since that one night, where he had told San to leave, a lot had changed. The next day, San had pretended like they had never been best friends, like they weren't stuck to each other by the hip. It had confused Wooyoung at first – He didn’t know what had changed. They still sat together with their friends. They still laughed together. They still shared their food between each other. The only difference was that San sat at the other end of the table. He didn’t sit next to Wooyoung with his arm thrown over his shoulder or around his hip anymore. He didn’t show people around them anymore, that the small boy on his side was his – and his alone.

Of course had their friends realized that something had changed between the two boys, but no one had dared to ask what had happened. Everyone had known that there had always been more than just friendship between the two boys – even San’s boyfriend Minhyuk had known – even if no one had ever dared to ask them about it. It had just been something they all had quietly accepted.

The only one who had dared to ask Wooyoung had been Yeosang. Yeosang had been there the moment San had left Wooyoung's side. He had asked the younger boy what had happened, had let him cry on his shoulder and had been there whenever Wooyoung didn’t know how to act with San around. Yeosang had been Wooyoung’s safe place after San had left.

Suddenly, Wooyoung felt an arm fall around his shoulders, pulling him closely into a strong chest. He didn't have to see who the arm belonged to – he knew and just let himself fall into the boy behind him. He let his eyes close for a minute and waited for the slightly taller boy to speak up.

"Why are you standing here?"

Wooyoung didn't answer, instead he just let his eyes meet Yeosang's and let the boy find out for himself what was going on in the mind of the younger one. From the way the look on Yeosang's face changed, Wooyoung knew that the other boy had realized what was bothering him.

"You can't back out today! Yunho would kill you!"

Wooyoung let a sigh fall past his lips. He knew that Yeosang was right, but that didn’t make him want to disrupt the peace that had built between the seven boys. Yunho had written everyone earlier that day – He had told everyone to meet at their usual table. He had made it pretty clear that there was no way out of this – knowing how often Wooyoung tried to avoid joining them during lunch. Wooyoung closed his eyes once more and his head fell onto Yeosang's shoulder. He really didn't want to face San today. He didn't want to be surrounded by the weird air that settled every time Wooyoung joined his group of friends. He didn’t want to be the centre of Minhyuk’s worried glances whenever San, Minhyuk and him sat at the same table. It was all so tiring. But for once, he didn’t have a choice. So, he let Yeosang pull him to their usual table where all his friends were sitting, laughing and enjoying themselves.

The moment they reached the table, they were greeted by big smiles and way too loud heys and hellos. Everyone seemed excited for the two last boys to finally join them. The impatience started to wear thin on all of their nerves. Yunho hadn’t told anyone why he had insisted on everyone to join him for lunch – not even Mingi. Still, they all knew Yunho had big news – Yunho never made something sound important, if it wasn’t actually important. It had made them all curious – uncontrollable excitement running through their veins. But when you are friends with a group as lively as Wooyoung was, the excitement often turned into impatience.

"Can you finally tell us  _ what _ is so important for all of us to be here?"

With those words spoken by Seonghwa, everyone at the table quieted down. The attention on the table was now fully put onto the tallest boy at their table. Yunho had a big goofy grin on his lips – the excitement over his own news reflecting in his expression.

"It is our ten years this weekend…", Yunho let his eyes fall onto the seven boys who had stuck by his side. They were the boys he had gone through thick and thin with for more than half of his life. "I thought that we should celebrate it together?"

"What have you planned?"

"I thought we could go to the beach house we used to visit together when we were younger? It should be free this weekend…"

Wooyoung had to be honest, he had forgotten that it was their ten year anniversary this year. However, he remembered clearly how the eight boys had found each other. It was at Wooyoung and San’s first dancing lesson. San and Wooyoung had finally gotten their parents to agree to let them join dance classes at the dance studio two blocks away from their houses. The two young boys had been excited. But what no one had told them was that they would also meet the best friends anyone could have asked for at that same studio.

_ The first thing the two small boys saw were two taller boys running around. One boy was screaming at the other to give him back whatever the other had stolen – the pout obvious even in the screeching. It made a giggle fall from the two boys' lips who were shily standing by the door. They were just taking in whatever they were seeing before their eyes with big smiles. _

_ In the corner they found another boy watching the two tall boys the same way San and Wooyoung were – the only difference, he was rolling his eyes at the annoying loud boys. It seemed like the boy was used to their annoyingly loud behaviour. And what Wooyoung couldn’t ignore, was the slightly fond smile on his lips. _

_ Next to the standing boy sat a tiny boy. He was bent over a piece of paper – writing and scribbling over it. He seemed focused. He didn’t let the other boys in the room distract him from whatever he was doing. He seemed so used to the noise around him, that he could just blend it all out. _

_ When San and Wooyoung entered the room – The attention shifted onto their presences. With the quietness of the two tall boys, even the small boy on the floor looked up. The attention made Wooyoung nervous – having never liked to be the centre of attention. He hid behind San’s slightly taller built who realised what the small boy was doing. Knowing Wooyoung better than anyone, San took his hand into his own and introduced the two of them with a shy smile of his own. _

_ It had been a month since San and Wooyoung had joined the dance team before a new unknown boy entered the studio. The boy was quiet and reserved – not really knowing how to introduce himself to such a loud bunch. Wooyoung decided to approach the boy – receiving a grateful smile in return. _

_ It had taken another year before the last boy joined their dance team. The boy looked confident. He entered the room with so much confidence, that everyone's attention just fell onto him. It seemed like he didn't mind it. It didn’t take long though, before they all realized that the younger boy was actually a lot shier than first expected. So together, they took a step forward. They had made the young boy feel like he had been part of their group since the beginning. _

The reaction around the table showed that everyone thought the idea was great. It had been a while since they had all spent time together – spent time together as just the eight of them. Some had gotten into relationships over the years, some had jobs next to college and different majors meant different schedules. It was hard to meet up. They all missed it. So, a weekend of just them together sounded like a perfect plan – like something they all needed after such a long time.

The chatter around the table started, no one being able to stop the excitement from bubbling up inside of them. Wooyoung heard some of the different ideas on what to do over the weekend flying around. He smiled at some of them and prayed that some of them wouldn't happen – Their group had enough embarrassing stories as it is. In the end, he completely turned everyone out. He fell completely back into his mind, like he does oh-so-often. And as much as he didn't want it to happen, his mind drifted to the raven-haired boy who sat at the other end of the table. San was whispering around with Minhyuk – it seemed like they were having a discussion. There was a fond smile on Minhyuk’s lips when he looked at the boy stuck to his side. San was pouting – apparently not liking the idea of being separated from his boyfriend for a whole weekend. When Minhyuk kissed San’s pout away – Wooyoung felt his heart clench.

Minhyuk had easily joined their small group after he had started dating San. At first, he seemed quiet and reserved – not really knowing how to act with the attention of all of San’s friends on his form. But it had changed fast enough. Minuyuk was loud and chaotic just like the rest of them – it was a perfect fit. But even then, Minhyuk had never made it to be an official part of the group – he was stuck as San’s boyfriend. Minhyuk often didn’t seem to mind it though – letting San go whenever their group of friends was able to meet up as just them.

Wooyoung realized that San and him hadn't spent a weekend together in a long time. It had been something so common just a year ago, but now it was something foreign – something that set an uneasy feeling inside of Wooyoung. He didn't know if he was ready for this, ready to be around San so much again. Something was telling him to find a way out of this. A good excuse that would be convincing enough that the rest of the group would let him stay at home.

Still, Wooyoung found himself sitting in the car with Yunho, Mingi and Yeosang just two days later. He listened to the excited chatter of the two boys in the front seats and looked at his sleepy best friend sitting next to him. A small smile spreading onto his lips at the familiar peace surrounding the four boys. Seeing his best friend's eyes fall close every few seconds next to him, Wooyoung knew that Yeosang would be asleep in the next few minutes. Woo decided to pull out his earphones and just enjoy the peace he was feeling right there in the car. Wooyoung knew though, a peace like this wouldn't join him any time soon the moment he was to leave this car.

It was weird to think about – his peace being disrupted by San. Just a year ago, San was Wooyoung’s safe space. There was no place Wooyoung had felt more at ease – more safe – than being close to San. There was no reason to think about how to act around San. There was no reason to hide his emotions. Because San had seen it all before. If Wooyoung wanted to just be himself, he would just have to go to San – there was no judgement. Just bright giggles, warm touches and love.

Wooyoung realised he was falling into his head again – not even realising the sigh that left his lips when the beach house came into view. The weekend would be tiring, Wooyoung had known this from the moment his friend had started talking about it. But not tiring in the way, his friends would think. It would be tiring on an emotional level – at least for Wooyoung. Too many ignored memories, too many ignored feelings and San – all combined in one place over a whole weekend.

A hand laid itself onto Woo’s own – shaking him out of his head. The car had stopped. The way Yeosang was looking at him from the seat next to him, the older seemed worried. There were no words spoken, but it was clear the older boy was asking if Wooyoung was alright. With a light nod and a squeeze to Yeosang’s hand – the older sent him a reassuring smile before opening the car door.

Entering the beach house, Wooyoung couldn't blame his friends when they all hurdled to their usual rooms. They had never changed roommates or changed the rooms they were staying in. It was like an unspoken rule. Everyone knowing where to go and who to go with without a question asked.

But it also meant that Wooyoung had to share a room with San. He didn't really know what to think of this situation and he didn't know what would happen if they shared a room again after such a long time. But he also didn't want to bother his friends. He didn't want to ruin the usual peace that everyone had with their roommates.

Standing in front of a door that he knew would bring back too many memories once he opened it, was a lot harder than he had ever expected. Woo wasn't sure if he was ready to face the flood of memories that would hit him the moment, he opened that door. It would bring back way too many memories Wooyoung missed and would never get back – not matter how much he wanted them to.

He remembered how San had stolen Woo’s first kiss in that room. It was a shy first kiss – both boys not really knowing how to do it. It was filled with blushed cheeks and shy giggles. But it was a first kiss Wooyoung could never regret. It was perfect – as awkward and bad as it was – it was perfect.

Or he remembered the time Wooyoung had told San for the first time that he loved him. He remembered it way too well. He remembered way too well how nervous he had felt after he had realized what he had just told San. He also remembered how San had kissed him after he had said those words – letting Wooyoung feel every feeling San had felt in that moment.

Lastly, he remembered how San had taken his virginity in this room, right on the soft mattress. He remembered the pain, but he also remembered how gentle San had been. Remembered all the sweet words San had whispered into his ears – all the reassurances and praises. He remembered how he ended up enjoying his first time – despite the pain – just because it had been with San.

That room carried so many important steps in the relationship San and Wooyoung had built. A relationship that had existed for so much longer than the first kisses and the first ‘I love you’s. A relationship San had destroyed when he had told Wooyoung about his first love – a love which wasn’t Wooyoung.

Still, Wooyoung opened the door and let his eyes sway over the way too familiar room. Not a lot had changed. The walls were still a baby blue and everything was still filled with wooden furniture. The only difference were the sheets. They weren't white with blue flowers anymore – they were white with blue strips. But that's all that had changed – the rest still looked too much like it had two years ago.   


What changed a lot more were the two boys standing in the room. They were taller than they were a few years back and their features had matured. Their hair colours weren't the same either, both having changed the colour of their hair way too many times to count.

What had changed even more, was the bond between the boys inside the room. When they first had entered the room, the boys had entered giggling while holding hands. They hadn’t been able to wait to cuddle each other once they landed on the soft mattress. Now they were both on their usual sides, not daring to look at the other. Both just trying to put everything in place so they could meet the rest of the group downstairs again.

It hurt Woo to see them acting this way. On one side, he knew it shouldn't hurt anymore, but on the other side – San had been such a big part of his life, how could it not hurt. In a way it was too long to still be hurt over this, but he couldn't stop his heart from clenching.

When he finally let his eyes wander to the other boy in the room, he had to realize that San had already been looking at him. There was clear pain visible in the older boy’s eyes – it made the clenching in Woo’s heart so much worse. It hurt – It hurt so much, Wooyoung had to look away.

Seeing the pain in San's eyes made Wooyoung's thoughts go into directions, he didn't want them to go. They were directions that shouldn't be an option anymore – There was no space for hope anymore. It made him wish that San had just looked like he didn't care – like all this didn't change a thing about whatever was going on between them.

But the pain showed that all of this had affected San just as much as it had Wooyoung. Even if San had been the one who had walked away – Wooyoung had meant too much to him for it to not hurt. But that was a thought Wooyoung didn't want to dwell on – He didn’t want to let hope rise inside of him like he had done too many times before. So, he did what he always did when San somehow played with his emotions – He left.

"I'm-I’m going to be downstairs if you need me…"

Their friends were already downstairs – arguing over what to eat, who should go pick it up and who had to help Seonghwa with the cooking later that night. It made Wooyoung smile. Some things really never changed.

This type of argument happened every time the group planned something together. It usually included who had to drive to the store, who had to cook and who had to do the dishes after. No one wanted to do the work – so instead of making decisions while talking like the adults they were, they played a fast game of rock, paper and scissors. They had tried settling on the tasks over conversations – everyone trying to find better reasons on why they shouldn’t work for the day or trying to throw another team into the dirt – but it never ended well, so rock, paper and scissors it was.

The moment Mingi realized Wooyoung was standing in the doorway, Wooyoung knew he wouldn't be able to get around the argument. His name was thrown into the conversation the moment one of them had the chance to do so. It amused Wooyoung – nothing stopping him from joining the bickering that had been going on between his friends without a second thought.

Seonghwa’s voice was loud – none of the bickering boys able to ignore the resounding of the sound inside the room. It made clear that it was time to decide who would be the unlucky duo to go grocery shopping. With Jongho shouting a loud ‘rock, paper, scissors’, no one was able to ignore the game – one representative of a room throwing his hand into the centre.

A high five was shared between Yunho and Mingi – the tallest of their group obviously being lucky enough to win in the first round. Yeosang's arms fell around Jongho’s muscular built in a rush of happiness. Wooyoung could only sigh. There was no chance to complain – no one going against the fate of rock, paper and scissors. Seonghwa looked at him with a knowing glint in his eyes. The older pressed the keys of his car into Woo’s hand while giving a short overview on the things San and him would have to buy at the store.

Wooyoung didn't even have to use any words when he saw that San was leaning against the doorway – arms crossed over his chest and eyebrow cocked in a knowing way. Wooyoung only had to show San the little paper Seonghwa had pressed into his hand just a few seconds prior. With a little nod in the direction of the door, the older boy told the younger one to follow him to the car.

The car ride was tense – There was no laughing, no hand that had laid itself onto Woo’s thigh and there was no singing filling the quiet space between the two boys like the way it used to be. It made Wooyoung's heart clench again – He hated this. He wished he could just go back in time somehow.

There were times where Wooyoung wished he hadn’t told San to leave his room that night. He wished he would have just let the older boy kiss him – kiss him with the light touches of soft lips and strong hands on his hips. Their night would have been filled with light conversation, quiet giggles and a warm body pressed against their side. The air around them would have been filled with love – like it had always been whenever the two boys shared a space. It could have been a perfect night like every other Wooyoung had spent with San.

Still, Wooyoung knew what he had done that night was right. No matter how much he missed San. No matter how much he wanted the boy back in his life. San had been in a relationship – that changed everything that had been going on between them prior. There were no spaces for light presses of lips, wandering hands and whispered ‘I love you’s anymore.

Wooyoung still remembered how his heart had broken when San had told him that he was dating another boy. He remembered the excitement in San’s voice and the wide smile that had spread onto his lips. He could see how San’s eyes were shining at the idea of calling a boy his.

But it had hurt Wooyoung mostly because no matter how excited San had seemed to be over dating another boy, Wooyoung had known all along that San had loved him. San might have never said it out loud, but Wooyoung knew San better than any other person. Every little thing San had done for him had been out of pure love. Everything San had done, had been filled with so much love – from the way he held Wooyoung at night, from the way he kissed Wooyoung the moment they woke up and from the way San looked at Wooyoung – that hearing San was dating someone else, hurt more than it could ever have if Wooyoung had never known the older boy's feelings.

Wooyoung would probably never find out what had stopped San from saying what he felt out loud. He would probably never hear the real reason why he had run into the arms of another boy, when Wooyoung’s arms had been waiting for him all along.

Being lost in his thoughts, Wooyoung had let his eyes fall onto the driving boy. San’s eyes were completely focused on the street ahead and his forehead had creased in concentration. San’s jawline was perfectly visible from this angle and the raven locks were lightly falling into his eyes. San was pretty – breath-taking and absolutely stunning. That was the only way to describe San. Even if Wooyoung didn't want to admit it – he knew that San was absolutely gorgeous. No flaw visible on the handsome face of the other boy.

"Do I have something on my face?"

For a slight second Wooyoung saw how San's eyes had fled over to his form on the passenger seat before his eyes returned back to focus on the street. From how Wooyoung was staring at San, he could also see the light red tinting San's cheeks – it was barely visible but it was there. A triumphant smile spread onto Woo’s lips.

"No... You're just really pretty…"

Wooyoung didn't actually mean to let these words fall from his lips. They were supposed to be kept just for himself. He was too scared about the consequences. If he said them out loud, there was a big chance, it would make everything more awkward. But he was selfish – he wanted to see more of San's peach-coloured cheeks. It made him feel triumphant knowing he was the one who had made San's cheeks turn into a pretty light peach colour. Wooyoung knew San wasn't easily flustered. He knew it was selfish, but he couldn't help it.

But Woo should have known better – he should have known that San would turn everything around. And instead of San being the flustered, stuttering mess, it would end with him being the flustered mess. It had happened too many times before.

"So… I'm pretty, huh?"

From the mischievous glint in San's eyes and the smirk, which had spread onto San's lips, Wooyoung knew what the older boy was about to do. He was ready to see the blush rise onto Woo’s cheeks while hearing the younger boy stumble over his own words. It weirdly made Wooyoung feel at ease for the first time since he had entered the car. It made him feel like they weren't in this weird space they've been in for the past year – Instead they were still being the clingy best friends they had used to be. The best friends who weren’t able to go through a day without the other one around.

"Don't you dare try flirting with me Choi San."

Hearing the slightly threatening tone in Woo’s voice made an amused giggle fall from San’s lips. His eyes were still carrying the same mischievous glint as before. There was a grin spreading onto Woo’s lips at their banter – realising that maybe not that much had changed between them.

"Who said I was going to flirt with you, Jung Wooyoung?"

"Oh c'mon… Don't act like I don't know you."

Wooyoung didn't even realize how the grin on his lips was growing with every exchange between them. He didn’t even realise how he felt happier than he had in a long time. How his heart felt lighter than it had for a long time. It was dangerous – San was dangerous. It shouldn't be able for a person to make him feel so happy with just a few words. Especially if the person had been the reason for the sadness and the pain someone had been carrying along. But Wooyoung couldn't help it – He couldn't stop the happiness from spreading through his body and his heart from beating slightly faster.

Maybe he had missed all of this more than he liked to admit. Maybe he had missed San so much more than he ever liked to admit. He had missed how there was a constant smile on his lips when San was around. He missed how his heart was always beating slightly faster. But mostly, he missed feeling so at ease around another person.

San’s phone was like a reality check – the ping of a message notification bringing the both back down to their reality. The name on the screen was glaring at Wooyoung. It was a clear reminder to keep his distance – even if it wasn’t what Wooyoung wanted.

If Wooyoung gave into the banter with San, he knew there would be hope rising inside of him again. It was a feeling; he should have given up a long time ago. It didn’t matter the amount of times San and him could act like nothing had happened – with Minhyuk’s name hanging over their heads, there would always be a reminder of the reality between them.


	2. something gave you the nerve to touch my hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come here…"
> 
> Those were the words that finally pulled Wooyoung out of his head – realising that San had already laid down on their shared double bed. There was a smile playing on San's lips – fond and filled with affection. His arms had already opened – inviting the younger to lay onto his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was inspired by the quote "You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever."
> 
> tw / usage of alcohol and drugs, vulgar language, making out, mention of losing virginity and short coming out story

The eight boys were squished around the dining table together. The four boys sharing the bench sitting thigh to thigh, not being able to move much. The other four taking the more comfortable option, sitting in the chairs standing around the table, being lucky enough to have won them in another round of rock, paper and scissors.

They had just finished the food Seonghwa and Hongjoong had prepared for them. All boys had content looks on their faces with their hunger being stilled and the company surrounding them. Now they were all just left sitting around the table – chatting, sipping on a can of beer or taking a drag of a joint that was going around the table.

They were reminiscing – something Wooyoung realized their group did a lot whenever they were able to gather. Reminiscing of times so much easier – so much freer. They were talking about times where there were no sudden rain checks, unmatching time schedules and different friend groups. It used to be so easy to meet up just a few years ago – last minute decisions made after class that ended with everyone hurdled into a small bedroom.

It was obvious they all missed it – missed how easy it was to see each other to, to spend time together. There was barely a day where the group hadn’t met up – usually ending in chaos and embarrassing stories. There were stories flying around that made them smile, while there were others that brought back childish arguments from years ago. The room around them was filled with light giggles, soft smiles and a new found sadness. It was a sadness that filled the space around boys more and more often – it was a sadness filled with realisation about how much had changed.

Wooyoung let his eyes travel over the different boys, looking at their different expressions and the way they all sat comfortably together around the small table. It occurred to him that it didn’t matter how often they saw each other – their bond wouldn’t change. The relationship which had been built over years could overcome those times. There was a comfort, only those boys could fill inside of Wooyoung. He was sure that even after years apart, Wooyoung would still feel the same familiar and home-like feeling whenever those boys were around.

Woo saw how Hongjoong's head was tucked into Seonghwa's shoulder. Hongjoong was probably trying to fight the tiredness he was feeling – the older boy usually the one who fell asleep first. Seonghwa played with the few strands at the back of Hongjoong's head, not helping the smaller boy fight his tiredness. But Wooyoung, just like Seonghwa, knew that Hongjoong needed the rest.

Joong was always busy – staying up too late and never able to say no. At home, Hongjoong had to run from meeting to meeting while also trying to keep up with his studies. This ended in Hongjoong staying up night after night instead of resting. So, times like this – times with just their group of friends – was used to rest, coaxed to sleep by the people who cared most about him.

Yeosang and Jongho were in their own little world – like so often. Yeosang was whispering little words into Jongho's ear – a shy giggle falling from the younger boy’s lips. Wooyoung could see how Jongho had grabbed onto Yeosang’s hand – intertwining their fingers, before laying a soft kiss onto the back of his hand. Yeosang cooed at the younger boy’s action – Jongho’s cheeks turning a light peach colour. A fond smile spread onto Yeosang’s cheeks. The older apparently couldn’t stop himself from placing a kiss onto Jongho’s cheek when he saw how flustered his boyfriend had gotten.

There was a fond smile on Wooyoung’s lips. Wooyoung had always envied Jongho and Yeosang’s relationship – the quiet understanding and the soft touches. Their relationship had always been special in their own way. Wooyoung had always admired how easy it had been for Jongho to be Yeosang’s rock when needed and how easy it had been for Yeosang to always be the voice of reason when Jongho started spiralling.

Eyes falling onto the two tallest of the group. Yunho and Mingi were laying half on top of each other – personal space having never been a term between them. Yunho had a leg thrown over Mingi’s lap – The younger pulling Yunho closer whenever he got the chance. They were stealing little kisses from each other every now and then, sharing whispered words whenever the atmosphere gave them a chance and let their hands wander to be sure the other was still by their side.

Yunho and Mingi had always been the loudest out of their group – their antics always getting easy laughs out of everyone. But Wooyoung loved seeing the tall boys in their own world which was only filled with soft kisses, light touches and whispered words. The moments they shared were always so raw. It was just pure love – love in every word and every touch. It was a love anyone could envy.

It was nice – peaceful even, to see everyone so at ease and relaxed. It had been some time since any of them had looked so calm – no thoughts about deadlines, meetings or work hours. It might have been the alcohol and the weed – but everyone seemed content. Wooyoung felt content. Woo didn’t want to change anything in that moment – not with smiles on everyone’s lips and the room filled with loud laughs. It made Wooyoung realise that it was a moment he hoped to never forget. He wished he could take it and put it into a glass. Just so whenever he missed his friends, he could open it up and look back at this exact moment. It was a moment, he wanted to look back onto in a few years and talk about fondly with the same boys around him.

Wooyoung let his head unconsciously fall onto the shoulder of the person next to him. He nuzzled his nose into the person's neck before looking back at the group of boys in front of him. He felt a hand fall onto his thigh, drawing small shapes onto his clothed skin before lightly squeezing it. A quiet deep voice asked him if he was alright or if he wanted to go sleep. Wooyoung didn’t even realise the smile spreading on his lips – the voice so familiar and calming. He only shook his head, telling the person he was okay and that he wanted to stay.

Woo felt San's eyes on him for a bit longer – a light blush rising over his neck to his cheeks – before San joined into the antics of their friends again – not letting himself be thrown off by Wooyoung’s action. Their friends were talking about the onetime Mingi had gone skinny dipping in front of their whole class. It made a giggle fall from Wooyoung's lips – images of the day fleeting through his mind. Yunho’s challenging eyes, the supporting hollers of the class and the astonished faces of their teachers.

Wooyoung knew he should probably move away from San. Being this close to the older boy didn't do him any good, but he didn't want to – he felt comfortable and relaxed. The warm body pressed into his side was something he had strongly missed. He was going to blame his actions on the alcohol in his system. Alcohol had always made him clingier – needier for the attention of a certain boy.

As if the thought was all the allowance he needed – Wooyoung allowed himself to go a little further. He pressed a light kiss onto the skin of San's neck – the part that was scattered with freckles – while taking the hand on his thigh into his own. San's fingers started playing with his – a habit San had never been able to get rid of. San threw a fond smile into his direction before Woo felt San's lips connect with the top of his head. It erupted a light flutter in Wooyoung’s stomach – a flutter the boy tried to ignore as much as possible.

Wooyoung smiled again as his eyes connected with San before he hid his face into the older boy's neck. Woo could feel the light blush on his cheeks deepen. No one had ever been able to make him feel flustered the way San had always done. A light giggle fell from San’s lips – enjoying how easy it was to fluster the smaller boy.

There was another press of lips against the top of Woo’s head – the small boy winding his arms around San’s waist. A content sigh left Wooyoung’s lips. He let his head nuzzle closer into San’s neck. The warm body against his side was what he had missed for so long. He had missed San for so long.

Wooyoung knew that the rest of their group was probably watching them. They were probably wondering what had happened between the two – why they seemed so comfortable again. Still, they all kept quiet. None of them let the question, they so desperately wanted to ask, slip past their lips. They were scared it would ruin the peace that had settled – scared to ruin whatever had happened between the two boys.

Wooyoung remembered how often their group had complained over the clinginess between Wooyoung and San. He remembered exactly how they complained how you could never go out with one of them, without the other joining. It made a smile form on Woo’s lips – remembering how there had always been just Wooyoung and San. There was never a time, where you could see one of them without the other. And maybe, after a year of seeing the two boys struggle, they had missed it just like Wooyoung had. Maybe they had missed the familiarity that came with Wooyoung in San’s arms.

If anyone had said something, Wooyoung wouldn’t have known what to say anyways. So maybe it was better that no one had asked. Nothing had happened between them – Wooyoung had just ended in San’s arms. There was no logical explanation to this – no apology. It was just pure intoxication speaking – Wooyoung not able to control the need for physical contact.

The way Yeosang kept eyeing them – Wooyoung knew there would be questions by tomorrow though. Even if the older boy let it slide just for the peace of the situation – the mood around the table. There was no way around for Wooyoung – Yeosang would get the answers he wanted. 

Once the realisation of the situation dawned onto Wooyoung’s clouded mind, he slowly retreated. He heaved his head off of San's shoulder and unwind his arms from around San’s waist. There were curious eyes on Wooyoung – San obviously wondering why the younger boy was suddenly being so distant again.

It made Woo’s heart beat slightly faster – anxiety catching up to him. He had sworn himself to stay away from San. The closeness didn’t do well for either of them. It would bring back feelings both of them had tried to forget about. Feelings San had decided to leave behind once he had met Minhyuk. While Wooyoung still hadn’t left those feelings behind fully – there were still moments where jealousy rose, where Wooyoung wished he was the one in San’s arms and evenings where the younger boy missed San’s body pressed against his own. It was still a battle Wooyoung was dealing with every day.

Wooyoung tried to ignore the curious eyes of San – joining the conversation which was still going on around the table. He joined the loud antics of Yunho and Mingi on his side and joined the quiet giggles of Yeosang. It was to forget the presence of San by his side – to ignore how easy it would be to give into the temptation that was Choi San again.

As the night went on – pair after pair went upstairs – getting ready to let their tired bodies fall into their beds surrounded by the soft comforters. Some pairs were probably ready to spend some time alone – having missed the comfort of their partners by their side. Having missed the comfort of their partners by their side without a deadline or an early shift in the back of their minds. This night would be spent cuddled up in each other’s arms while sharing shy kisses and quiet conversations. It was a night to come down from stress with their loved one by their side.

Opposite to his friends, Wooyoung dreaded going upstairs that night though. He wasn’t ready to face San in the comfort of their room. So much had happened that day – so much Wooyoung couldn’t explain. It was all catching up now – intoxication slowly leaving his body and the distraction of his friends gone. Nothing to help him ignore what had happened that day. It was only the night and his thoughts now.

Wooyoung didn’t know if it meant that San and him were going back to what they used to be. But maybe they were just going to pretend that nothing had changed for the weekend – not wanting to ruin the weekend for their friends just because of the tense air that surrounded them. Or it had just been a slip up – blamed onto the alcohol running through their veins. The alcohol allowing them both to do something, they knew they shouldn’t have.

A sigh left Woo’s lips – this really wasn’t how he had planned the first day to go. He had planned on staying around Yeosang – trying to avoid spending time with San alone as much as possible. If he had been lucky, he would have only been alone with the older boy during the night. But the plan had miserably failed – Wooyoung not even able to control himself around San with his friends around.

"Aren't you going to come upstairs? You know I don't like sleeping alone…"

The voice startled Wooyoung out of his thoughts – his head turning into the direction the voice had come from. He hadn’t expected to see the pretty face he saw – even though he probably should have known it was the boy from just hearing his voice. He had heard that voice too many times to not know. If Wooyoung was honest, he should have expected San to come fetch him – San had never liked to be alone during the nights. He had always liked to have someone by his side – someone he could hold close during the cold nights. San didn’t like the feeling of being alone. He had always preferred to be surrounded by a lot of people – it somehow making the boy feel more at ease.

Wooyoung had always thought it was because it kept the older boy out of his head. It gave him something else to focus on instead of the dark thoughts hunting his mind. In loud places, he could focus on the noises – could focus on the busy people walking around. During the nights, he could lay his head onto another person’s chest and focus onto their heartbeats.

The way San was looking at Wooyoung right at that moment, made Wooyoung look away just as fast. He knew that look on San’s face too well – it had been something he had tried to forget. The shining eyes brought too many feelings back – feelings that aren't supposed to be there anymore. Memories Wooyoung had tried so hard to forget were trying to push itself into the forefront of his mind again – memories of quiet nights, light kisses and warm touches. Memories that were filled with the warm feeling of love.

San sat down next to Wooyoung – Wooyoung could feel his eyes on his form. Still, Wooyoung didn’t look up. He didn’t know what would happen if he did. If he was being honest, Wooyoung really didn’t know how to act in this situation. Wooyoung had never had to question how to act around San – but right now, he just didn’t know what to do. The air around them felt heavy – like both of them didn’t know what to say or what to do, not after today. Woo wasn’t sure if he should try to say something – apologise maybe? Apologise for being clingy? For not being able to keep his mouth shut? But maybe he should just stay quiet – stay quiet and hope that the older boy would retreat to their room on his own. Or should Wooyoung leave? Just ignore that San had ever joined him and walk up into their shared room. He didn’t know. It was too much – His head hurt.

Of course, Wooyoung had questions he so desperately wanted to ask San – questions that had been plaguing his mind since the moment San had left his side. He had never dared to ask them – not having the opportunity to do so but also not knowing how San would react.

But maybe, he was more scared over the answers than San’s reaction. He was scared that maybe, San had never loved him – that it all had just been something made up in his mind. It was something Wooyoung wasn’t sure he could deal with. It would break his heart all over again.

San, on the other hand, kept looking at Wooyoung – not able to keep his eyes away from the breath-taking boy. Even if things hadn't been the same between the two for some time, Wooyoung was still as easily to read as an open book to San. San knew that face way to well – knew it was the face Wooyoung made whenever he was contemplating over something. San wanted to ask what was bothering the younger so much – wanted to help Wooyoung ease his mind – but he knew it wasn't his position to ask these things anymore.

So, San stayed quiet – instead thought of everything that had happened between him and the younger boy. There was a happiness spreading through his body he hadn’t felt in a long time – a happiness only Wooyoung had been able to get out of him. The light teasing in the car, the light touches and kisses – it had been so common between the two only a year ago. Now it felt like something so new. Just a year ago, holding Woo’s hand and feeling the soft lips on his skin was an everyday occurrence. But now it was a thrill San had missed – it filled the void that had build after he had to leave Woo’s side. He had missed feeling the younger boy’s side pressed against his own. He missed the soft lips of Wooyoung against his own – he missed just being able to steal a kiss whenever he felt like it. He had missed Wooyoung. And after tonight, he wanted more. There was no way San could keep away from Woo.

San had thought that maybe, he was over Wooyoung – that he was truly in love with Minhyuk. But just this one day had proven him so wrong – he would never get over Wooyoung. Wooyoung had taken his heart when he was only six years old. They both had been so young with no understanding of love.

San had never said it out loud – probably would never say it out loud – but pushing Wooyoung out of his life, was probably his biggest regret. He wished he had never done it. He wished he had just gone back to the younger boy's house the next day – like he had always done. He would have been greeted by open arms – He would have gotten the warmest hug and a small kiss to his cheek. He would have been welcomed by Wooyoung’s open arms like he always had.

But he hadn’t gone back – and a year later, there was nothing San could do to change their situation.

San still remembered the first day after that night – remembered exactly how Wooyoung had walked up to him and had asked why he hadn’t picked him up like usual. San had ignored him – had given his full attention to his boyfriend. He remembered the pain in Wooyoung’s eyes, remembered the pout on his lips and the light tremble of his form.

San had wanted to take Woo into his arms – he had hated to do this to Wooyoung, but he had told himself so many times it was the right thing to do. So, he kept ignoring Wooyoung till he had felt his presence leave.

San had never expected the effect it would all have on Woo. He had remembered how Yeosang had stormed into his room one night. The older male had screamed at him – had told him what for a dick he was for leaving Wooyoung just like that. Yeosang had told him, how he couldn’t believe that San would leave Woo just like this when he knew how important his presence was in Wooyoung’s life. San had just shrugged – not daring to say something out loud.

He had never wanted to hurt Wooyoung – it was the last thing he had wanted to do.

San didn't know how much time had passed of them just sitting there – They were both too caught up in their own thoughts to realise the time passing by. Standing up, he stretched his hand out for the smaller boy to take. He needed Wooyoung to join him upstairs – He needed to feel his presence by his side. There was trouble in Woo’s eyes – eyes locking onto his own and onto the stretched-out hand. There was an obvious debate going on inside of Wooyoung’s mind – a debate on what is the right choice. His eyes still travelled between his hand and his eyes – as if the answer was written somewhere on San.

With a small sigh, Wooyoung laid his hand into San's. He let the older boy pull him off the bench – leading him up into their shared bedroom. Woo’s mind was still racing – still trying to figure out everything that had happened between San and him. It was too much too fast. He couldn’t keep up.

“Come here…"

Those were the words that finally pulled Wooyoung out of his head – realising that San had already laid down on their shared double bed. There was a smile playing on San's lips – fond and filled with affection. His arms had already opened – inviting the younger to lay onto his chest.

Woo let his eyes meet San's own – the look San was giving him making it all so much harder. It made him weak – made his heart open to ideas that aren’t even an option. Not anymore. San had looked at him the same way just a few hours ago – when he found Woo sitting alone on the bench in front of the house. It was the look San used to give him when Wooyoung had been everything to him. There was love in his eyes – so much love no one could ever put it into words. The look in those dark brown eyes was filled with all the love San had. The look, that was only given to Wooyoung.

It made Woo ignore the storm of thoughts. It made him ignore the emotions that had been wanting to flow over all night. He shut it all out – and instead, he laid himself onto the older boy’s chest. He let his head rest on San’s chest – letting himself be calmed by the heartbeat resonating inside his mind. Their legs tangled in an all too familiar way. Their fingers intertwining as if nothing had ever changed – as if they still slept like this night after night. It made Woo realise that laying in San’s arms still felt like home.

Wooyoung felt San's thumb run over the tattoo – which still decorated his wrist. Wooyoung was not able to stop the smile from spreading onto his lips, when he remembered the ending words on San’s wrist – _**“…but my hearts will be yours forever.”**_ San and Wooyoung had promised each other their love long before anyone had a chance to come in between. And in that moment – Wooyoung let himself think those words to be true. He let himself think, that even after a year of loving someone else, San’s heart still belonged to him. He let himself relax with that thought in mind – deciding to just ignore all logical thoughts for the rest of the weekend.


	3. the feeling of not wanting anything more, moments that only you gave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is everything alright?”
> 
> There was no way for Wooyoung to pretend around San. When San took his chin between his fingers to turn his head, Wooyoung knew San would directly realise that something was wrong. No one could read Woo as easily as San. There was nothing Wooyound could hide from San – no matter how much he wanted to.
> 
> There were different emotions flying through San’s eyes – curiosity, pain and worry. Another tear fell from Wooyoung’s eyes – not able to hide his emotions from the boy before him. San didn’t give the tear a chance to drop – wiping it away with a thumb on Woo’s cheek.  
> It would all be so much easier if San didn't show how much he still cared. It would be so much easier if San didn’t look at him with so much love and care. But if San kept looking at Wooyoung like this, Wooyoung wasn’t sure if he could keep his distance. 
> 
> "I'm always okay when you are around…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was inspired by the quote "You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever."
> 
> tw / usage of alcohol and drugs, vulgar language, making out, mention of losing virginity and short coming out story

The eight boys were at the beach – some sprawled over their towels on the beach while some had run into the cooling water. Wooyoung was sure he could hear the screeching of Mingi while Jongho was trying to catch the taller man in the water. There were also giggles filling the air around them – Yunho and San watching the chaos unwind before their eyes.

Wooyoung had lost sight of Hongjoong a long time ago – the older male needing some time on his own. Joong had had his little diary tucked below his arm before he had gone further down the beach – away from the noise and the unknown people around them. There was a light excitement bubbling inside of Woo at the perspective of listening to a new song Hongjoong had created. It had been too long since Joong had had the time to focus on his music.

Laying in the warm sun – Wooyoung was surrounded by Yeosang and Seonghwa. The air around them was filled with light music playing, quiet giggles and light conversation. When their eyes weren’t closed – lightly dozing off in the sun – their eyes were focused on their loud friends in the water. Their giggles joined in with the loud laughter of their friends – the amusement of their antics always able to bring laughs out of anyone watching.

The beach held a lot of important memories for them – it was the place where they first promised each other to stay together. It was a place they had spent nights drunk together, eating heated up chicken and pizza and created more embarrassing stories. The beach alone brought back memory after memory – a content sigh leaving Wooyoung’s lips at the thought. His heart felt warm – filled with the adoration he held for his best friends. It had been ten years of friendship – their friendship still as strong as when it had first started.

As nice as the morning had been – Wooyoung had felt Yeosang’s eyes on him through all of it. There were quiet questions thrown into Woo’s direction. Yeosang just wanted an explanation, Wooyoung knew that. But Wooyoung didn’t have an explanation for himself – so, how was he supposed to explain anything to Yeosang.

Woo knew that Yeosang was worried. He had seen what Wooyoung had gone through – what the loss of San in his life had really meant. Yeosang didn’t want Wooyoung to go through the last year all over again – Wooyoung didn’t want to either. He didn’t think he could do that again. Yeosang just wanted to warn him – and Wooyoung was grateful – but he needed this time with San.

So, instead of facing Yeosang – Wooyoung had spent most of his morning around San. Arms constantly thrown over San’s shoulders, holding quiet conversation and filling the air with light giggles. Both boys enjoying the closeness of the other male – not minding the curious glances of their friends. They had both carried bright smiles on their lips – looking happier than both had the past year.

If Wooyoung was being honest – he feared the confrontation with Yeosang. It would be a reality check. Yeosang had never shied away from the blunt truth. He would state as situation exactly as it was. There would be nothing hidden – everything laid out in front of you with a rational mind.

Yeosang had always been a good voice of reason. Instead of letting emotions cloud his mind, Yeosang had always used blunt rationality. He might come off as harsh at times, but he means well. He cares – so instead of letting you get hurt, he would give you the honesty you deserve.

Wooyoung couldn’t avoid Yeosang forever – he was strongly aware of that – but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try to drag this out for as long as possible. But now – being cornered by Seonghwa and Yeosang alone on the beach – there was no way around it anymore. Wooyoung was waiting for Yeosang to burst – to finally tell him what had been bothering him since last night. He was just waiting for Yeosang to let go of the frustration that had been building inside of the older boy.

“Wooyoung…” There was a tired sigh leaving Yeosang’s lips. His eyes tried to meet Woo’s own. “You do know…“

Wooyoung had been waiting all morning for Yeosang to say something – it still didn’t make him prepared for whatever Yeosang was about to say. It wasn’t the first time Wooyoung had to encounter a blunt Yeosang, but that didn’t mean he was used to it. Yeosang kept a close eye on him through it all – just waiting for Woo to give him any kind of reaction.

Seonghwa kept a close eye on Wooyoung – wanting to figure out his reaction before it was to happen. Woo knew Seonghwa was worried. Seonghwa had been sending him worried glances through the morning – scared that the small boy was going to get hurt again after only getting better again.

Seonghwa had never heard the actual story of what had happened between Wooyoung and San – but Seonghwa was attentive. Barely anything happening in their group went past him – if you didn’t go to him on your own, Seonghwa would figure it out on his own.

There had been times where Wooyoung had been close to asking Seonghwa – to ask Seonghwa, to explain to him what had happened. He had wondered often if San had told him anything. If Wooyoung had done something wrong. If San had misread Wooyoung’s words. If San had just stopped caring. He had never dared to though – fear always rising inside his body at the chance of getting answers.

Still, none of Seonghwa’s worried eyes or Yeosang’s good intentions could stop the blood from boiling inside of Wooyoung. Feelings had been boiling in the pit of Woo’s stomach since last night – it was a mix out of fear, anger and disappointment. Fear of being hurt again, anger at San for doing this to him and disappointment in himself for giving in so easily. Yeosang’s words made it all boil over – focusing on the emotion strongest inside of him – anger.

Wooyoung didn’t want to let the anger out on Yeosang – it wasn’t fair – especially while knowing the older was only doing this out of care. All of their friends had seen changes in Woo’s personality – he was less bubbly and loud – but only Yeosang had seen how broken Wooyoung had really been. Wooyoung knew that Yeo just didn’t want to see him like that again – so broken and damaged.

“Yes Yeo – I know San is still in a relationship. I know that there is no hope for us – but it is hard to stay away when San is opening up again. I had wanted him back in my life for so long and suddenly, he’s giving me the chance to have him back. It’s hard to say no to the one thing you have missed for so long.” Wooyoung had to take a short break – taking in a deep breath to gather his thoughts. “I know, he might go back to ignoring me but – I want to enjoy this weekend with everything he gives me.”

There were tears welling up in Wooyoung’s eyes – the emotions of everything slowly overflowing. There was just so much going on in Wooyoung’s head – in his heart. His mind was saying one thing – while his heart was saying something else. It was all so overwhelming. Wooyoung didn’t know how long he could keep this up.

“I just don’t want to you to get hurt.”

Yeo’s voice was quiet in fear of breaking the wall Wooyoung was trying to keep up. Yeosang really just wanted to keep Wooyoung save – away from anything that could ever hurt the younger boy.

“I know Yeo.”

Wooyoung didn’t want to look at Yeosang – he didn’t want to look at those eyes filled with pity. It would only made him feel worse. Yeosang felt sorry for Wooyoung – over the fact, that after everything, Wooyoung still hadn’t been able to get over San. There was a lot more Yeosang wanted to say – Wooyoung knew that. But Yeosang had realised how broken Wooyoung still was. Wooyoung didn’t need to hear more – He had to gather himself first.

Seonghwa’s thumb ran along his cheek bone – catching the tear which had been able to escape. There was a light hitch in Woo’s breath. He hadn’t even realised he had started to cry – too much going on in his mind to catch up on what was happening.

The warmth that spread through his body whenever San was around was something Wooyoung couldn’t explain. It made him feel invincible – like nothing could stop him as long as San was around. It was a feeling he had craved after such a long time.

Wooyoung remembered the constant smile he used to have on his face just a year ago. He would walk around with his head held high, would talk as loudly as he wanted and wouldn’t hide his laugh. As long as San had been on his side, there was no reason to hide. 

“I think, I need to be alone for a bit.”

Neither Yeosang or Seonghwa said anything – knowing it was better to leave Wooyoung alone for some time. None of them actually wanted to leave Woo alone. Instead they wanted to take Woo into their arms – hold him close and let him cry. Wooyoung needed to sort out the battle between his mind and his heart first – they both knew that. Seonghwa still sent Woo a small ‘be careful’ – just wanting to be sure Woo knew how much he cared.

When Wooyoung was sure none of his friends could see him anymore, he let the tears run down his cheeks. There was too much going on for him to hold it in any longer – the fear of getting hurt, the worry of his friends and the love for San. It was so tiring. He was feeling so much – too much.

Everything Wooyoung had built the past few months was falling apart – falling apart by just a few touches. He had built such thick walls – San wasn’t supposed to be able to make them fall apart so easily.

His feet had carried him somewhere familiar – a place whose memories made only more tears run down his face. It was a place filled with memories of soft kisses and quiet conversations – time spent with the boy Wooyoung loved most.

Wooyoung and San had found the beach about six years ago – trying to find some peace from their curious and lively friends. The beach was hidden behind walls of sand and greens – something you had to really look for if you wanted to find it.

San and Wooyoung often ended up spending more time on their own than with their friends – using any free chance to run off to their secret hiding. The others had never asked where the two boys ran off to whenever they disappeared for hours – just letting them be and enjoy the togetherness the two boys so desperately needed.

Memories flooded Wooyoung’s mind – memories of shared make out sessions, hours spend cuddled up in each other’s arms and mindless conversations that used to flow so easily between them. Hours seemed to fly by whenever San and Wooyoung decided to walk to the small beach – often only getting back in the middle of the night with quiet giggles.

The tears didn’t stop – the memories showcasing how much had changed between San and Wooyoung. Wooyoung missed San. Just a little over a year ago, San and Wooyoung would have been sitting hear together. There would be bright smiles on both of their lips. There would be light caresses of skin and shy kisses placed whenever one of them felt like it.

A bitter laugh left Woo’s lips – The last time San and Wooyoung had sat at the small beach together, Wooyoung had expected them to return as boyfriends. Wooyound could have screamed into the world that San was his – his only. The thought had such a bitter aftertaste – Wooyoung would have never guessed San and him would end like this.

Wooyoung let himself drown in his memories and in his own thoughts. He was thinking about all the good times he had with San on his side. Remembering how bright he used to be – there wasn’t a moment where Wooyoung wasn’t wearing a bright smile or letting out a loud laugh with San by his side. Being around San had always made everything so much brighter and colourful. San had made him feel save – like no one could touch him. Nothing had been able to ruin his happiness as long as San was around.

Wooyoung knew he had been selfish – seeking the happiness San had only been able to make him feel. It was destroying everything Wooyoung had built – everything Wooyoung had told himself. All the times Woo had told himself he could be happy without San by his side – it was all thrown out of the window. Only for a few moments of pure ecstasy.

Wooyoung wasn’t ready to see San walk back into Minhyuk’s arms. He wasn’t ready for San to pretend like he hadn’t looked for Woo’s body heat during the nights and the caresses of his skin against his own. Wooyoung couldn’t just pretend all of it hadn’t happened.

What had made the desperation for San’s closeness so much worse, was the look filled with so much love. It made Woo feel like nothing had changed – that somewhere deep down, San was still his. San had never stopped loving him – San’s heart still belonged to Wooyoung. No matter how many times San slept in another boy’s arms – the only arms he wanted around his body where Wooyoung’s arms. A tear run down Wooyoung’s cheeks.

“I thought you might be here…”

The time had flown by – Wooyoung so deep in his head, he hadn’t even realised the sun had started to go down. When he felt San sit down next to his own body, it didn’t even feel like that much time had passed. Still, it had probably been a few hours – just hours drowning in fond memories and painful reminders of the reality.

“Hey…” There was slight hesitation in San’s voice – as if questioning if his next words were the right thing to say. “Is everything alright?”

There was no way for Wooyoung to pretend around San. When San took his chin between his fingers to turn his head, Wooyoung knew San would directly realise that something was wrong. No one could read Woo as easily as San. There was nothing Wooyound could hide from San – no matter how much he wanted to.

There were different emotions flying through San’s eyes – curiosity, pain and worry. Another tear fell from Wooyoung’s eyes – not able to hide his emotions from the boy before him. San didn’t give the tear a chance to drop – wiping it away with a thumb on Woo’s cheek.

It would all be so much easier if San didn't show how much he still cared. It would be so much easier if San didn’t look at him with so much love and care. But if San kept looking at Wooyoung like this, Wooyoung wasn’t sure if he could keep his distance.

"I'm always okay when you are around…"

A soft smile was stretching onto San’s lips – the hand on Woo’s cheek caressing his skin lightly. San’s eyes were fleeting between Wooyoung’s eyes – as if he was looking for any doubt in his words. There was no doubt to find – Wooyoung meant those words. If there is one thing Wooyoung was sure about, it was that he would be alright whenever San was around.

He had learned this the hard way. When San had left his side, a part of his life had fallen apart. There weren’t as many bright smiles anymore. Students didn’t hear Woo’s loud laugh resonate through the college halls as often. Woo’s loud voice wasn’t heard at the other end of the hall by their friends anymore. It seemed like Wooyoung got quieter – gloomier even. The brightness that had always surrounded Wooyoung had left with San.

For a fleeting moment, Wooyoung had realised how San’s eyes had fallen onto his lips. The blood in his veins was running faster than before. Wooyoung couldn’t stop his own eyes from falling onto San’s lips. San was biting his lips – a nervous habit San had grown up with. Wooyoung had always thought it was unfair how hot San looked while doing so. There was contemplation going on inside San’s mind – thinking about his next action. Wooyoung had an idea of what San was thinking about. If San tried to kiss him, Wooyoung was sure, he wouldn’t be able to stop him. It had been too long – he just wanted to feel San’s lips against his own again.

There was sigh – a defeated expression on San’s face. Leaning closer, San kept his eyes open to make sure Wooyoung wanted this. The intensity of San’s eyes on him created a blush on Woo’s cheeks – the small boy not being used to those eyes on him anymore. The features on San’s face softened – eyes filled with adoration and his smile fond. God, did San adore Wooyoung.

Their lips were grazing each other – both not daring to push forward. As if to tease Woo, San licked a stripe across his lips. Wooyoung let a whine slip – a knowing smirk stretching onto San’s lips.

“You are so annoying.” Wooyoung was getting impatient. He wanted San to kiss him. The glint in San’s eyes was too knowing – The smirk on his lips too cocky. “Am I?”

Not able to resist the temptation any longer, Wooyoung pressed their lips together. The kiss was soft – almost shy. The graze of their lips was light – barely there – scared the other boy would pull away if they did anything wrong. There was a slight graze of San’s teeth on Woo’s bottom lip – a whine falling from the smaller boy’s lips. Pushing forward, Woo opened his mouth to let San’s tongue curl around his own.

The kiss felt so familiar, but also so new. Both still knowing exactly how the other liked to be kissed, while also relearning every bits they have missed. The kiss was overwhelming for both – their emotions running wild. Wooyoung’s lips had been a temptation San had tried to avoid, but had ended up failing miserably at. Wooyoung was giving into everything he had sworn himself to stay away from – San’s lips, San’s touch and most importantly – San’s love. Yet, neither of them found it in themselves to regret the kiss.

“We should go back.” Another kiss. “The others were worried about you.”

Connecting their lips once more, Wooyoung let his tongue tangle itself with San’s one last time. He didn’t know when he’d be able to feel those soft lips on his own again – when he could feel San kiss him with so much passion. The lips represented all the emotions which had built up inside both boys. The desperation of wanting to have back what they had lost. The love they had always shared for each other. The fear of what the kiss meant.

Disconnecting their lips – San knew they wouldn’t be able to leave any time soon if he didn’t get up. A pout was on Woo’s lips at the realisation of what the elder was doing. He didn’t want to go back. If they went back, he wouldn’t be able to kiss San anymore. He wanted more kisses though – wanted to feel the softness of San’s lips on his own for a little bit longer.

“Can’t we stay a bit longer? Please Sannie?”

San pulled Woo up – arms wrapping around the smaller boy’s waist. Wooyoung was still pouting – still, his arms found his way around San’s shoulders. There was a fond smile on San’s lips. Wooyoung looked cute. It took everything in San to not give into Wooyoung. He wanted to stay where they are just as badly as Wooyoung did – they couldn’t though.

“C’mon, we need to head back.”

The rest of their group had already sprawled themselves around a bonfire. Yunho had laid his head into Mingi’s lap. Mingi seemed satisfied – his fingers running through the dark locks on Yunho’s head. Yeosang had sat himself between Jongho’s outstretched legs – his head placed onto Yeo’s shoulder and his hands sprawled over Yeo’s stomach. Hongjoong and Seonghwa were having a quiet conversation – Hongjoong’s soft giggles filling the air around them.

There were cartons filled with chicken placed around the bonfire, joined by canes of beer or bottles of Soju. Their friends were obviously already quite intoxicated – sleepiness and louder voices giving the newcomers all the information they needed. The conversation between the group seemed light – bright smile, loud laughs and loud reactions filling the quiet air on the beach.

“Oh. You guys are back!”

Sitting up – Yunho didn’t wait a second to push a beer into each of the boy’s hand. Grins spread onto San and Wooyoung’s lips. It would be another night filled with memories, intoxication and the pure feeling of comfort. The sun was gone by now – both boys knew none of their friends were about to move any time soon.

San had placed his head onto Woo’s thighs – eyes closed by the enjoinment of having Wooyoung’s finger run through his raven locks. San’s face was relaxed – feeling save in Wooyoung’s arms and being surrounded by the loud chatter of their friends.

As if San realized that Woo’s eyes had fallen onto his face – he opened his eyes to send the other a cheeky wink and a bright smile. It was a smile which showed off San’s deep dimples and turned his eyes into these pretty crescent moons – Woo not able to stop himself from poking a dimple on San’s cheeks. San looked happy – happier than Wooyoung had seen San in a long time.

Wooyoung tried to ignore the voice in his head – _it’s because of you_. It was a thought Wooyoung didn’t want to dwell on. It was hard to ignore though – getting harder with every minute of San being close to him. So much harder with San’s head in his lap – sending him a bright smile. Wooyoung’s heart clenched. Wooyoung wasn’t made to fight San.

There was a slight frown on San’s pretty face – trying to read over Wooyoung’s blank face. Wooyoung’s thumb going to wash the frown on San’s face away and sending the elder a reassuring smile. Not leaving his face, San’s eyes kept running along every feature.

“I’m okay Sannie. I promise.”

As if to bring his point across, Wooyoung leaned down to connect their lips once more – ignoring the gawking eyes of their friends surrounding them. San’s lips stretched into a grin. His hand laid onto Woo’s cheek – thumb running along his cheekbone. The kiss was soft, but it was all San needed to believe the younger boy.

A whine left San’s lips, when Wooyoung disconnected their lips. San wanted more of those soft lips against his own. A giggle – San’s favourite – left Woo’s lips, joined by a light shake of his head. It wasn’t the time for them to keep kissing – not with the curious eyes of their friends around.

Looking up, he was met with Yeosang’s eyes. His expression seemed blank, but Wooyoung knew him better. There was frustration boiling behind those brown eyes. Words were already pushing forward to be let out – Yeo just waiting for the right moment to let them all out.

San must have realised – must have realised that quiet conversation that had been going between Yeosang and Woo. He must have seen the trouble in Wooyoug’s eyes. With the light graze of San’s thumb along his cheekbone – San pulled Woo’s attention onto him again. There was another frown on San’s face – Wooyoung not able to look at the older boy for much longer.

It was obvious – San knew something was going on. Woo didn’t know if Yeosang had spoken to San. If San had only realised that something was wrong while looking at Woo’s face. Wooyoung didn’t know – but there was a light anxious feeling of the perspective of Yeosang talking to San.

"Let's play truth or dare!"

Yunho’s voice was loud and his grin looked proud – the rest of their group only able to react with light giggles and loud laughs. It was childish – they were aware – but it was tradition. It had been something they had always played on nights like this – drunk and high on life. There were barely any secrets to share – none of the boys having enough shame to keep anything to themselves.

The game was all easy and jokes – making everyone forget their troubles for a bit. Their night was filled with amused giggles and boisterous laughs – the alcohol running through their system making everything funnier. It was exactly the break they needed from the stress of their daily lives.

There was strong shift in the air though, when it was San turn. Yunho had had his eyes focused on the male all night – curiosity and suspicion visible on the tall boy’s features. The alcohol made Yunho daring – less shameless. It let Yunho give into the curiosity that had been running through his body since last night.

“Sannie, truth or dare?”

San didn’t want to get up – too comfortable with his head placed on Woo’s thighs. His head lightly hazy from intoxication and the relaxing feeling of Wooyoung’s fingers cradling through his hair. There was nothing he had to be worried about – nothing he wouldn’t share with his group of friends. He doubted there was something he hadn’t told them yet.

“Truth…"

Boring was thrown into the circle – a knowing grin on San’s lips, followed by a shrug to show that the boy didn’t care. He didn’t want to move – if that meant he had to be boring, he would be able to live with that.

“Do you-Do you still love Minhyuk?”

Not all of them realized what those words could mean – how exactly they could end the night. Their friends were too intoxicated to understand the heaviness of the conversation. Wooyoung tensed though – breath hitching. He really didn’t want to hear San’s answer. His hand had stopped running through San’s black locks – a pout building onto the boy’s lips. Eyes focusing on Yunho – the curiosity obvious all over his features.

It had been a question they all had expected to come up at some point – maybe during a casual conversation while laying around. Still, it was a question supposed to be asked without Wooyoung around – all of them knew that. But with alcohol running through Yunho’s blood, a thought like this was easily forgotten.

Something between San and Minhyuk had been off – they all had realised it. As much as San and Minhyuk tried to pretend in front of their friends, it was obvious that something wasn’t right. San hadn’t confided in any of their friends – all of them only able to look at the forced smile on their best friend’s lips.

Wooyoung felt Yeosang and Seonghwa's eyes on him – watching his every action in worry of the young boy breaking down. They were filled with worry – wanting to keep Woo away from the conversation they were about to have. Still, Woo didn’t want to move – he wanted to hear what San had to say. It would give him answers to where they stood – if there maybe was a slight chance for their relationship to bloom. So, he held his breath – anticipation over San’s next words running through his blood.

San was clearly thinking about the question – thinking hard about what the right answer to the question would be. No matter how far gone San was, he didn’t want to say something wrong. He didn’t want to fuck it up again – just like he had a little over a year ago. Eyes connected with Woo’s, showing the younger exactly what turmoil was going through his mind. His eyes fled between Wooyoung’s eyes – trying to find the answer he was so desperately looking for.

Maybe he was looking for something that gave away how Wooyoung felt about him. Maybe he wanted to see hope in Wooyoung's eyes – hope for their love to bloom once more. Maybe he hoped he would just see indifference in his face – hope the younger would be over whatever feelings he had harboured for him. Maybe he just hoped that Woo accepted Minhyuk – just wanting his best friend back after so long.

"I-I think so? Yeah..."

San's eyes hadn’t left Woo’s face for a second – as if he wanted to see Wooyoung break. As if San wanted to see the pain those words would bring Wooyoung – knowing exactly how dearly the younger boy still loved him. There was nothing to see in Woo’s eyes though – face unreadable. He didn’t want to give San the satisfaction of showing how it hurt.

Wooyoung didn't know what he had expected – didn’t know why hearing those words hurt so much more than before. It might be because Wooyoung had expected something else – had expected San to finally admit who his heart really belonged to. Maybe he had hoped that San would say that he loved him. There was the hope again – the feeling he had wanted to stay away from. The weekend had brought back hope – letting it hurt the younger boy once more.

But how could the words not hurt – not with the way San had been treating him, not with the way San had smiled at him and not with the way San had been looking at him. San had kissed him for God’s sake. He wanted to understand why San was so scared – why couldn’t he just admit that he felt something for Wooyoung? What was stopping him? 

A sigh left Wooyoung's lips – eyes falling back onto the boy still laying in his lap. San was looking at him – had been looking at him the whole time. His eyes were running over his features – trying to find anything in Wooyoung’s face. There were questions in San’s eyes – questions he wanted to ask, but was too scared to do so. Questions could bring answers neither of them wanted to face.

So, Wooyoung didn’t let anything on his face show – instead, he sent San a soft smile. He wanted San to stop worrying. Letting his fingers run through San’s raven locks again, he could see San’s eyes falling shut and a content smile stretching onto his lips.

Meeting Yeo’s eyes – there were different emotions running through his best friend’s eyes. It was obvious that Yeosang had known this would happen, but he could still see the worry in Yeo’s eyes – the older not able to be mad at his lovesick best friend. There was quiet conversation going on – none of the rest able to understand what they were saying. Still, for Yeosang and Wooyoung, their eyes told so much more than they could express in words.

Wooyoung was grateful – he didn't want to talk about what had just happened. Yeosang understanding him made it so much easier – it was comforting in a way. He could always count on the other to be by his side, to understand and to support. It was all he could have asked of his best friend.

With a light tilt of his head, Yeosang told Wooyoung to follow him. Yeosang knew, Wooyoung would never leave the bonfire on his own – no matter how badly he wanted to go back. There were no questions asked when the two got up – only San’s eyes following the duo. It was obvious that San was hurt – that he had questions, too many questions.

There were no words spoken – to Wooyoung’s delight – only a supporting arm thrown over his shoulder, which allowed Wooyoung to press himself into Yeosang’s side. A tired sigh left his lips – the weekend wearing on him a lot more than he had first realised.

“Get some rest, will you?”

There was a short nod – followed by a grateful smile. Before Yeosang had time to disappear into his shared room with Jongho, Wooyoung called out his name. Woo’s arms enveloped him in a tight hug – Woo’s head nuzzling into his neck.

“Thank you.”

Separating, there was a fond smile on Yeosang’s lips. A hand going to pet Woo’s head – the smaller relaxing into the touch. The fond smile on Yeo’s lips turning into a bright grin at watching his sleepy best friend.

“Always.”

Even if Wooyoung had wanted to sleep – his body too tired to do anything else – he wasn't able to. His thoughts were running wild – still running all over the place. His mind analysing what had happened that day – the misreading of San’s intentions and the hurtful words leaving San’s lips. He had to stop thinking about it – it would only end up hurting him more. There was only a day left – Only one day with San around before everything would go back to normal. He could do it.

Deep down, Wooyoung knew he couldn’t go back to the way it had been though. He couldn’t lose San again – not after this weekend. He wanted to keep the older male close – even while knowing how self-destructive and selfish his actions were. He needed San. He couldn’t go back to being acquaintances – he wanted his best friend back. He wanted his lover back.

So deep into his thoughts, Wooyoung hadn't even realized the return of the other male. San had laid down next to him – no words shared. He could feel San’s eyes on him though – running along every feature of his face. It was obvious – he still had questions. Questions, San wasn’t ready to ask and Wooyoung wasn’t prepared to answer.

"Are you going to talk to me?"

Breaking the silence, Wooyoung put his focus onto the boy laying by his side. He really didn’t want to talk to San – didn’t want to answer any questions the elder might have. He didn’t think he’d be able to handle it – handle it without breaking down.

"What do you want me to say?"

San didn't answer – himself not knowing what he wanted to hear. Did he want Wooyoung to tell him that he still loved him? Did he want Wooyoung to tell him he was happy – happy about his relationship with Minhyuk? Did he want Wooyoung to tell him that he would wait for him – wait till San was ready to admit his feelings? Did he want Wooyoung to tell him to not leave his side again? San didn’t know – he just wanted to know what was wrong with his best friend. He wanted to help. He wanted to see Woo’s bright smile again and hear his loud giggles.

"I don't know…"

There were no words exchanged after – both letting themselves fall into their heads. Both trying so desperately to figure out what was going on – what they really wanted. Did they want the other boy to say something? What even did they want to hear? Could they ever go back to what they were? There was so much going through their minds – so many questions neither were ready to face.

With a tired sigh, San laid on his side – throwing his arm over Wooyoung's waist and pulling the younger into his chest. His nose nuzzled into Woo's neck – taking in the all-too-familiar scent of the small boy. A smile stretched onto his lips, when he felt the smaller boy pull his arm closer around his waist. Woo pushed his back even closer into the San's chest – needing to feel San behind him.

San was glad the younger didn't pull away – didn’t push him away. Instead, Woo just let him cuddle him – as if he knew that was what San needed. San knew he was being selfish – so selfish for wanting to keep the small boy around. He knew it wasn’t healthy for either – but what could he do? He had given his heart to Wooyoung a long time ago. He craved the younger. He craved Wooyoung’s skin on his own, the soft feeling of his lips and mostly, he craved the younger boy’s love.

Because no matter how often San slept in Minhyuk’s arms, how often he told Minhyuk he loved him or how often he kissed Minhyuk – his heart belonged to Wooyoung. He had fallen in love with Woo long before he had known Minhyuk – had promised Wooyoung his unconditional love long before Minhyuk had been in the picture. So, no matter how much he tried to stay away, he would never be able to do so.


	4. just let me adore you like it's the only thing i'll ever do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sorry.”
> 
> The words were quiet and unplanned – still San felt his arms tighten around Woo’s waist. And he knew he meant it. He had never wanted to hurt Wooyoung. Wooyoung was his everything – hurting Wooyoung had been the last thing he had wanted to do. Still, he had been the reason why Wooyoung had been hurting for so long.
> 
> “You shouldn’t be apologising to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was inspired by the quote "You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever."
> 
> tw / usage of alcohol and drugs, vulgar language, making out, mention of losing virginity and short coming out story

No one was awake yet – everyone getting to bed too late to be up at this time. Wooyoung couldn't sleep anymore though – spending most of his night turning from one side to the other, waking up every hour and drinking something every other. His mind just wouldn’t stop – too much racing through it to rest for a few hours. There was so much he still had to process and think about – he didn’t know if he were to get any rest before he had done so.

Sitting at his favourite spot in the beach house – the little balcony connected to his shared room with San – he let his mind run free. He had done this a lot before – during restless night, he came out there to think. Whenever he sat down, he just let himself be consumed by every burdening thought while looking at the ocean. Sitting on the balcony at five in the morning felt freeing – no one judging him for his thoughts or his actions.

Some nights – San decided to join him outside. The elder didn’t like to lie in bed alone – always missing the warm body pressed into his chest. So, he sat down next to the small boy – head on Woo’s shoulder and eyes closed. Sometimes, San sat outside with him for hours – just waiting for Wooyoung to be ready to crawl back into bed with him. It was nice – it made Wooyoung feel less lonely.

There is so much Wooyoung wanted to talk about – but did he really want to hear the older boy's answers? Did he want to know, what questions San had been wanting to ask him? Is there even a chance around the questions? Had not too much happened this weekend, to just ignore the obvious? Wooyoung knew he had to ask San. He knew they had to talk about everything – as much as both feared the conversation. If they didn’t want to lose each other again – they had to face whatever there still was between them. It had to happen this weekend – Wooyoung was sure – or else, it would be too late. If they didn’t talk now, Woo would lose San forever.

Wooyoung was scared – the thought of going back to being acquaintances was haunting. He didn’t want to lose San again. He wanted to keep feeling the elder by his side. He wanted to be able to freely hug San again. He wanted to be able to make San smile again. He wanted to be showered by San’s love again.

But wanting didn’t erase what had happened the past year – it didn’t erase the distance that had built between them. Every interaction shared with fear of overstepping and filled with light mistrust. Both not able to turn their minds off, whenever the other got too close. It made Wooyoung wonder, if they could ever go back to what they used to be. Trust was hard to rebuilt.

A body sat down next to his own – no words shared, just a nose nuzzling into his neck. San’s hand found his thigh – drawing small shapes into the exposed skin. San was warm – heating up every cell in Wooyoung’s body. A content sigh left Woo’s lips.

They stayed like this for some time – San dozing off on Woo’s shoulder while Wooyoung kept thinking about the weekend. He was thinking about how he had disliked the idea at first – worried about what would happen. Thought about the trip to the grocery store – Wooyoung bonding with San for the first time in a year. Lastly, he thought about everything that had happened the day before – his conversation with Yeosang, his kiss with San and San admitting that he still loved Minhyuk. It was all too much in such a short time for Wooyoung to keep up. He needed a break.

But loving San was so easy – the older boy only giving him more reasons to love him. Wooyoung didn’t want to miss even a second. Every interaction reminding Woo why he adored San so much. When it comes to San’s pretty face decorated with deep dimples, to his personality which made him care more about others than himself or to his bright aura – the aura that made everyone fall on their knees before him. There were so many reasons to fall in love with Choi San. San just made it so easy. If Wooyoung met San again, he knew he would fall in love all over again.

Eyes falling onto the face that was tucked into his neck, a sad sigh left Wooyoung’s lips. He wished it would always be like this – that it would always be so easy. So easy to be together. So easy to smile together. So easy – to just be in love… It was a wishful thinking – Wooyoung knew that – but there was a time where they had been able to show their love openly. There was a time where no one would have ever doubted the love that had been blooming between the two males. They had just been two lovesick fools.

“Sannie?” There was light shake against San’s shoulder – Woo carefully trying to wake the older out of his daze. “Do you want to go back to bed?”

There was a nod – feeling San move his head against Woo’s shoulder. San’s nose slightly brushed along Wooyoung’s skin – the younger boy not able to stop himself from shuddering. There was no other movement from San though – no indication of the other male getting up any time soon. Instead, Wooyoung could feel San cuddle himself closer into his side. There was a quiet chuckle leaving Woo’s lips – San was cute.

Pulling San into his lap – Woo could feel San’s arms and legs wrapping tightly around his body. Head nuzzling itself back into the juncture between Woo’s head and shoulder. He could feel a small yawn warm up the skin of his neck – another shiver running down his spine. Picking San up, Wooyoung carried the older boy back to their bed.

Ready to leave for his own side of the bed, Wooyoung could feel San’s arms and legs tighten around his form. Losing his balance, Wooyoung fell onto the other boy’s chest. There was a content hum sound falling from San’s lips – sleepy smile obvious on his features.

Even if a defeated sigh left Woo’s lips, there was a smile spreading onto his lips. He was content about his position on San’s chest. Getting more comfortable, Wooyoung wrapped his arms around San’s small waist. His head buried itself into San’s chest – taking in the scent that was so distinct San. Maybe he could still catch a few hours of sleep.

There were light tickles all over Woo’s chest – rousing the male from his slumber. A smile stretched onto his lips at the realisation of the cause. San had been placing light butterfly kisses all over the smaller boy’s chest – needing to feel the other’s skin on his lips. Wooyoung could feel San’s lips stretch into a smile against his skin when he buried his fingers into San’s raven locks.

“Sannie…” A light giggle left Wooyoung’s lips. “This tickles.”

San’s eyes connected with Woo’s closed ones while his lips kept trailing their way along the soft skin. San’s smile turned into a big grin – not able to hide his happiness from seeing the sleepy male below his body. San had woken up content. He was sure that there was nothing better than waking up with Wooyoung pressed into his chest.

Working his way up along Woo’s chest, he kept placing more and more kisses onto the heated skin. San couldn’t hide the grin on his lips – the light giggles that were leaving Woo’s lips brightening his morning.

San had missed their mornings together. Waking up next to Wooyoung, who always woke up with a bright smile and excitement for the day, made starting a day so much easier. Their mornings had been spent sharing lazy kisses and cuddles – often staying in bed longer than they had time. Mornings used to be San’s favourite part of the day. It would just be him and Wooyoung – no one ever thinking about disrupting their morning peace. San thought about all the mornings Woo had bribed San out of bed – always promising the older his favourite sweet joined by more kisses of those soft lips. The memories making a warm feeling spread through San’s body.

Lining his head up with Woo’s, he let his eyes scan over the full beauty that was a barely awake Wooyoung. A blush was dusting Wooyoung’s cheeks – not used to those intense eyes on his being anymore. San watched him as if he had never laid eyes on the other male before. He was relearning everything that he had missed the past year. God had San missed Wooyoung.

“Morning little one.”

There was a lazy smile playing on Wooyoung’s lips – cheeks still a pretty peach colour. Woo’s hands were playing with the few strands on San’s neck – the elder closing his eyes at the feeling.

“Morning.” Woo’s eyes scanned over San’s relaxed face – his own content smile never leaving. “Your hair has gotten long.”

There was a light pull on San’s hair – as if Wooyoung wanted to bring his point across. Opening his eyes once more, San let his eyes scan over Wooyoung’s features. There was still a content smile on Woo’s lips. His eyes were focused on the fingers running through his raven locks.

“You like it?”

Instead of getting a verbal answer – there was only a light humming sound leaving Woo’s lips before he pulled San’s head down to connect their lips. A content sound left San’s lips – a smile spreading onto his lips. How much San had missed being able to kiss those lips whenever he felt like it. Wooyoung’s hands buried themselves deeper into San’s hair – pulling lightly. San only gave an appreciative sound – deepening the kiss with a light bite to Woo’s bottom lip.

Settling himself more comfortable between Wooyoung’s legs – San’s hand started to wander over Wooyoung’s sides. A satisfied sigh left Woo at the feeling – having wanted to feel San’s hands wander all over his skin again. Woo bit into San’s bottom lip before sucking on it – getting an appreciative groan deep from inside San’s chest.

Getting so lost in each other, the two boys didn’t hear San’s phone go off the first time. The second ring got their attention though – unpleased groans leaving both boys’ lips. San laid his head onto Woo’s shoulder – a long sigh leaving his lips. Woo giggled – loving how San hated the interruption just as much as he did.

“You should pick up.”

There was another sigh leaving San’s lips. San’s head nuzzled itself into the space between Woo’s head and shoulder and his arms tightened itself around Wooyoung’s waist – as if bringing his point across. There was a giggle leaving Woo’s lips at San’s antics. San was cute.

“I don’t want to.”

“It could be important!”

“Okay…” A defeated sigh left San’s lips. Before he fully parted from Wooyoung, he decided to steal another kiss from those full lips. Wooyoung smiled into the kiss – loving it whenever their lips met in another passion filled kiss. When the phone went off for the third time, San knew he had to pick up. No matter how much he wanted to keep kissing those soft lips. Wooyoung could see the expression on San’s face change at the contact name – eyes changing from being filled with happiness and pure joy to being filled with guilt and fear. “It’s Minhyuk.”

Their eyes met – one pair filled with guilt while the other was filled with sadness. Reality was catching up again. They could pretend as much as they wanted while they were alone but they would never be able to avoid reality fully – even if it’s all they wanted to do.

“You should take it…”

There was only a short nod, a forced smile sent into Woo’s direction and seconds later, San left their shared room – leaving Wooyoung alone with his thoughts. Wooyoung knew he shouldn’t be doing this. There was only one day left – tomorrow San would be back in Minhyuk’s arms and Wooyoung would be forgotten once more. It hurt. San was playing with his heart again – like he had done before. Wooyoung didn’t know if he could go through this heartbreak again. He didn’t think he could pretend again – pretend like he was happy for San and Minhyuk.

There was still that light spark of hope, that San might love him – love him instead of Minhyuk. That this weekend meant just as much to San as it did to Wooyoung. Even if San had someone waiting at home, all he wanted was to spent more time with Wooyoung in their own little reality. In a reality where the past year hasn’t happened, where San had never left Wooyoung and a reality without Minhyuk. Wooyoung knew it was a wishful thinking – knowing San had admitted to loving Minhyuk just a few hours prior.

Still, hope was a dangerous feeling. It wasn’t something a person could easily get rid of. Somewhere in the back of their minds – deep in their hearts – hope always rests for something good. No matter the amount of times someone tells themselves it is over, hope never really dies. It always haunts you.

Wooyoung had tried to get rid of this feeling – of hope – more times than he liked to admit. But with a light touch from San, with a fond smile sent into his direction or with a short conversation, the feeling came back. Wooyoung had never been able to stop believing – to stop believing in a return of San’s love for him. Wooyoung realised, he could never stop hoping when it came to San. He knew that this wasn’t the end of their love story – there was so much more to come. Too much had happened this weekend for it to just end here.

When San entered their shared bedroom once more, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he placed himself back into the space between Woo’s thighs. San’s arms found their place around Woo’s waist while his head rested on Wooyoung’s chest.

A long sigh leaving San’s lips – the older boy seeming deep in thought. Whatever had happened this weekend didn’t just lay heavy on Wooyoung, but it also laid heavy on San. San felt guilty. He didn’t want to do this to Minhyuk – he had never wanted to do something like this to Minhyuk. He cared about the boy – a lot.

He knew whatever he was doing right now, didn’t just affect Wooyoung and him – but it also affected Minhyuk. Minhyuk had always doubted San’s love – had always known San’s heart still laid with Wooyoung. It had come up more than once – often ending in fights San didn’t want to carry. San had always tried to reassure the other male – but it was hard when San knew Minhyuk was right.

“I’m sorry.”

The words were quiet and unplanned – still San felt his arms tighten around Woo’s waist. And he knew he meant it. He had never wanted to hurt Wooyoung. Wooyoung was his everything – hurting Wooyoung had been the last thing he had wanted to do. Still, he had been the reason why Wooyoung had been hurting for so long.

“You shouldn’t be apologising to me.”

Wooyoung was right – San had to apologise to Minhyuk. But he would never be able to hurt Minyhuk the way he had hurt Wooyoung. He had wanted to apologise to the smaller boy for so long. Every time he had seen the forced smile on Woo’s lips and the uncomfortable twitch in his body language, he had wanted to apologise to Wooyoung for ever hurting him. He had wanted to explain so many times that hurting him had never been his intend.

“You deserve one just as much.”

Wooyoung didn’t answer – not really knowing how to. He hadn’t expected those words to leave San’s lips. He didn’t know San had realised how much the past year had affected him. Maybe, he should have expected it, because at the end, no one knew him better than San.

None of them said anything – both deep into their thoughts once again. San couldn’t stop thinking about his phone call with Minhyuk. The other had sounded so happy – so excited to have San back in his arms the next day. It made San feel so much worse. San wished he could prolong this weekend – never wanting to leave Wooyoung’s arms. This weekend spent cuddled up in Woo’s arms, feeling Woo’s lips again and being the reason behind the other boy’s smile, had made San realise once more how much he had missed Wooyoung. It had made him realise how much he actually needed Wooyoung in his life. His life would never be complete without the other in it.

While Wooyoung couldn’t stop thinking about San’s apology. He had never expected the older boy to say something. It was a step into a direction, Wooyoung wasn’t ready to go. It would bring up a conversation, Wooyoung had been trying to avoid for too long. It was a conversation he should have had with San a year ago – when San had left his side. He should have confronted the other male at that exact moment. He couldn’t do it now – fear and anxiety stopping him from such an important confrontation. He was so scared.

In that moment, Wooyoung realised he would probably never be ready for a confrontation like that. Even if he had no idea what direction the conversation would go, the fear of being rejected was too present. There was such a big chance, that San had never loved him. That he would hear words, he didn’t want to hear – words, he didn’t know he could handle. So, even if San wanted that conversation – Wooyoung couldn’t. He couldn’t let it happen – not yet.

"What were you thinking about this morning?"

The words were mumbled – as if San was scared to startle the other boy. But no matter how quietly San would ask those words, they would keep ringing inside Woo’s ears like sirens. It had been a question Wooyoung had hoped San wouldn’t ask – especially after San’s apology. Wooyoung was aware – aware that an honest answer would get them closer to the conversation he wasn’t ready for.

Even if the air had been filled with tension, it had been better than the anxiety running through his veins. The question made his thoughts ran faster than the apology had done. Wooyoung didn’t know what to say.

In a way, Wooyoung wanted to confront the other. There was a curiosity inside of Wooyoung – something he had been carrying with him for too long that finally wanted to get sated. There was still a risk. Even if everything seemed to close into this conversation, things were getting better between San and Wooyoung. Wooyoung wasn’t sure, if he wanted to ruin this.

San had let Wooyoung into his life again and the confrontation could change that. It could build walls between them, Wooyoung wasn’t sure they could ever get over. A confrontation was a risk – a risk Wooyoung didn’t know if he could take. He didn’t want to fight – just wanted to forget reality for the rest of the weekend.

Resting his chin on Woo’s chest, San took his time taking in every change in Wooyoung’s expression. The frown between his eyes, the bite into his bottom lip and his avoiding eyes. Wooyoung was contemplating. It was obvious the younger boy didn’t know if he should be honest or if he should find a lie to tell San. But Wooyoung should know better – San always got the truth out of him.

"Us…"

San’s body tensed up – somehow not expecting the honest answer with the way Wooyoung had been contemplating before. The heaviness in the air weighed on both of them. San didn’t know what he should say. There was so much he could say to Wooyoung. He had so much to explain, but he also had so much to ask. He didn’t know where to start.

San’s eyes didn’t leave Wooyoung’s face – hoping to find an answer. Something that would tell him where he should go with his next words. He didn’t want to mess this up. San wanted to have a truthful conversation with Wooyoung – a conversation where no feelings would be hidden.

Locking his eyes with San’s, the first thing Wooyoung saw was pain. It was obvious San regretted everything that had happened – the look telling so much more than the apology he had given him just a few minutes ago. Wooyoung didn’t know if the regret laid in ever leaving his side or if the regret came from the guilt running through San’s veins. Wooyoung didn’t know and he wasn’t sure, if San were to ever tell him. 

When San’s eyes softened, the love that he always held in his eyes returned. It was a love; San had never been fully able get rid of. No matter how much he had tried – he would never be able to stop loving Wooyoung. Woo owned his heart – there was nothing he could do to deny that.

Reaching out, Wooyoung laid his hand onto San’s cheeks. San didn’t let this opportunity be taken away – his head nuzzling into the soft touch. It was obvious they were both scared to talk about this. After this conversation, everything would be laid out in the open and there would be no secrets left. Both didn’t know how the outcome would be – but no matter how it ended, there would be no going back.

Both had a lot of regrets – things they wished they had said and things they wished they had done. But it was too late. There was nothing that could get them out of this situation. Too much had happened to pretend like it hadn’t happened.

San placed a light kiss into the palm of Woo’s hand – wanting to assure the younger male it was just as hard for him. San wanted to show Wooyoung, he wasn’t the only one scared. But he also wanted to make sure, Woo knew he was safe with him. He didn’t have to hide anything. They both knew how many unspoken words and unasked questions there were between them.

"Woo…"

Wooyoung was aware about how important this conversation was. They needed to have this conversation – no situation better than the one they were in right now. But he wasn’t ready for it. It scared him – anxiety rising inside of him just from the sound of San’s voice. He couldn’t do it. Not right now.

The chance of a bad ending was too high. It would be the breaking point for whatever was left of San and his relationship and Wooyoung wasn’t ready to let go. He wanted to keep hanging onto the last threads of their friendship – their relationship. He wanted to keep hanging onto the bit of hope that was left. Wooyoung didn’t want to deal with his heartbreak – not yet. He wasn’t ready to deal with the emotions that came with losing San forever.

“Let's not talk about it now, okay? Let’s just enjoy the rest of the day together…"

There was obvious trouble in San’s eyes. San was aware that they had to hold this conversation – pushing the conversation further back wouldn’t help either of them. They needed to know where they were – if there was still something to save. This weekend was the only opportunity to have a conversation like this without anyone else hanging around – without there being unwanted questions from their friends. If the weekend was over, they would never find the time to do so. They would go back to pretending – to pretending that they didn’t love each other.

"But-"

"I know… But-But I just want to enjoy the rest of the day _with_ _you_."

San’s eyes were fleeting between Wooyoung’s – hoping to find a way to keep this conversation going. He needed to talk to Wooyoung. If they didn’t do it now, San didn’t know if he would ever be able to. If it wasn’t now, San didn’t know if he were to ever find the bravery to do so again.

There was nothing though – Wooyoung had completely shut off. San knew he wouldn’t be able to get anything out of him like this – no matter how much he wanted to.

A long sigh left San’s lips – nothing was going to change Woo’s mind. San didn’t know how to get through to Wooyoung in that moment. It was obvious something was holding Wooyoung back. What it was, San didn’t know. But he wished he could make Wooyoung open up once more. 

"Okay…"


	5. and i know you're scared because hearts get broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Damnit Woo. Don’t you get it? I was scared of losing you... and honestly I still am…"
> 
> Even if San had sworn – the words were spoken so quietly. Wooyoung would have missed it, if the air surrounding them, wouldn’t have been so quiet. If Wooyoung was honest – he hadn’t expected those words. He had expected a lot – had expected San to finally end it all – but he would have never expected a confession like this. Wooyoung could feel his heart beat speed up.
> 
> "I was so scared of losing you. I thought you would realise that I am not as amazing as you have always thought. I was scared that you would find someone better than me – someone who could make you happier, someone who would treat you better and someone who actually deserves you. I was so scared that you would leave me… I needed to get away from you. Because I think if you had left first, I wouldn’t have known how I would have coped with it. I don’t think I would have been able to cope with it at all." There was a dry chuckle after those words. “I am so sorry Wooyoung. I never wanted to hurt you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was inspired by the quote "You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever."
> 
> tw / usage of alcohol and drugs, vulgar language, making out, mention of losing viriginity and short coming out story

Sitting in the backseat, pressed against San’s side, Wooyoung could feel San’s hand firmly gripping onto his thigh. Every now and then, San would squish the flesh on Woo’s thigh between his fingers, sending light jolts through Woo’s body. San knew his thighs were sensitive. Woo had seen the knowing smirk on San’s lips – the older being fully aware of what his actions did to the small boy. While Wooyoung was biting into his lower lip, hoping to not let a gasp fall past his lips.

Yeosang and Seonghwa were in the front – Seonghwa driving, while Yeosang kept sending wary glances into the backrow. Yeosang didn’t like the closeness between Wooyoung and San. It wasn’t healthy for either of them. It would only end up hurting them both – sending them into a heartbreak neither would get out off without serious damage.

The group were on their way to their favourite dining place. The other four were sharing a car on their own – leaving Wooyoung under the piercing eyes of Yeosang and the worried glances from Seonghwa. The dining place had been special to their group of friends since the beginning. A lot of memories of drunken nights filled with good food had been spent there. Confessions had been made a lot of times around the table and tensions has been broken more than once. It had been a place, that had made their friendship so strong. Spending their last night at the dining place had turned into a habit built over years of friendship.

The air around the table would be filled with tension tonight – Wooyoung was aware. It was hard to ignore with the look Yeosang had been sending him the whole care ride. Wooyoung had tried to ignore Yeosang for most of the day – the male remembering Wooyoung of things he didn’t want to think about. Wooyoung had promised himself to enjoy this night. He wanted to enjoy the night spent with his best friends, alcohol and good food. He didn’t know when he would be able to have a night like this again – filled with all eight of them and having San by his side. He didn’t want to let Yeosang ruin it for him – not tonight.

Cuddling himself into San’s side, Wooyoung let a content sigh fall from his lips. San’s warm body against his was exactly what he needed. San wrapped his arm around Woo’s shoulder – letting the smaller nuzzle his head into his neck. There was a light press of lips against Woo’s head – making the smaller boy come out of hiding. A pout was obvious on his lips – San not able to hold a deep chuckle in. Wooyoung was cute.

San was aware of what Wooyoung wanted – but deciding to tease the small boy a bit. His eyes were focused on the scenery outside the window. Wooyoung didn’t like this. He wanted San’s attention. He wanted a kiss. A whine fell from Woo’s lips – ignoring the other two boys in the car – and begging the other boy for a kiss. The pout was growing – all Wooyoung wanted was just one kiss.

There was another deep chuckle – San’s attention finally falling onto the pouting boy on his chest. A smile spread onto San’s lips when he locked eyes with the child-like brown eyes of the smaller boy. Wooyoung was such a dream. San was so in love.

Connecting their lips, San could feel Woo’s lips stretch into a smile. The kiss was light – only a graze of lips and light touches of hands against cheeks. San could feel Woo’s cheeks heating up under his fingertips. It was soft – from Woo’s skin, to his lips, to his smile – it was all so soft. San loved it.

When San was about to pull away to admire the blushing boy, Woo tightened his arms around his neck. Woo pulled him back in – not giving him a chance to break the kiss. It made the smile on San’s lips grow. God, San loved Wooyoung so much. The kiss stayed soft – neither of them wanting more than to feel the light graze of their lips. It was a sharing of their love, their affection and their adoration.

Yeosang couldn’t keep his eyes away from the two boys in the backseat. It was hard when the concern about his best friend was eating at him. He wanted to be happy for Wooyoung – it had been so long since Yeosang had seen Woo so happy. It felt like Woo went back to being the boy they all adored so much. Loud, bright and shameless – just how they had always known him. But the concern about his best friend overshadowed those emotions. Wooyoung had laid his heart out into the open for San once again. It was only a matter of a few hours before San were to drop it again and Yeosang had to be the one to pick up the broken pieces. He didn’t think he could do it – could go through seeing Woo so broken. It turned him into a completely different person. And worse, Yeosang didn’t know if he was able to repair Woo’s broken heart again.

Another emotion Yeosang had been feeling was anger. He didn’t understand San – he couldn’t get how San could do this to the two boys who were so obviously smitten for him. San had not just Wooyoung wrapped around his finger, but also Minhyuk. He was hurting both boys with his actions – so much more than San was probably aware. Yeosang was aware that San didn’t mean to hurt them. Yeosang had realised early on that San had never wanted to leave Wooyoung – that he didn’t want to hurt the other boy. He had seen it in the longing stares and worried glances San sent Woo whenever the group met up together. San loved Wooyoung – so much he couldn’t handle it in a healthy way.

A sigh left Yeosang’s lips – eyes focusing onto the landscape outside the car window. It was hard for Yeosang to stay quiet. There were so many words at the tip of his tongue just waiting to be let out. He was aware, that he wasn’t the only one who had something to say. The others had made up their minds about San and Wooyoung just as he had. But none of the boys were ready to ruin the weekend for themselves – no matter how badly words wanted to leave their lips. And as much as Yeosang would love to say something, he didn’t want to ruin this weekend for their friends. It had been too long since they had been able to spend time together. If it was brought up, it would end in a fight. It would end the weekend faster than any of them wanted. They had missed each other – had missed spending time together – so, they wanted to drag this out for as long as possible. Even if that meant, to turn on a blind eye onto Wooyoung and San.

None of their other friends had seen Wooyoung right after the realisation had set in – the realisation that San had left him – which made it easier to turn a blind eye on the situation. But Yeosang was his best friend – he had seen it all. It made it hard to stay quiet and to pretend everything was alright. There had been so many comments on the tip of his tongue just ready to slip out. He just wanted to protect Wooyoung. He didn’t want to see him go through the same pain again – especially knowing how much worse it will hurt this time around.

But he couldn’t deny the happiness he had seen on Woo’s face. It was a happiness only San was able to bring out of Wooyoung. It used to be a common image. The bright smile on Woo’s lips, the annoyingly loud laugh and Wooyoung’s loud voice. It all had disappeared with the distance San had built between Wooyoung and himself. For the weekend though, it had returned. It had made all of their smiles bigger – having missed seeing Wooyoung so carefree.

Yeosang had thought about cornering Wooyoung over the weekend. He needed to talk to him. Whenever he approached the younger male though, Wooyoung would disappear or cling onto San – avoiding him at any cost. Wooyoung knew him – he was aware what Yeosang wanted to talk about. It was a conversation Wooyoung didn’t want to start. Wooyoung didn’t want to face the truth yet – even if the truth was eating him up from inside – Yeosang knew that.

He had tried to talk to Woo at the beach – the only chance where Woo couldn’t just disappear or run into San’s arms the moment Yeosang opened his mouth. But Wooyoung hadn’t even given him the chance to say what he wanted to say – interrupting him the second Yeosang had opened his mouth. Anger was bursting from all fibres of Woo’s body – letting the anger at himself out on Yeosang. He didn’t want to face the truth – not yet – wanted to delude himself a little bit longer in that dream he had built with San over the weekend.

Through the whole night – Yeo’s eyes unconsciously fell onto the duo again. He watched every small interaction – every shared touch, every shared smile and every shared light conversation. He watched the happiness spread onto their faces – smiles bigger than he had seen on any of them in a long time. They looked like lovesick fools. They were so in love, but too blind to see how much they actually felt for each other.

Nothing was able to get his mind off of the concern he had for Wooyoung. The alcohol didn’t ease his nerves. The food wasn’t as enjoyable as he remembered. Not even the chaotic antics of his best friends were able to bring his focus onto something else.

There was a hand on Yeosang’s thigh – drawing little patterns onto his clothed skin. It calmed the nerves inside of him. Even if it seemed like Jongho wasn’t paying attention – to focused on the conversation happening around the table – knew Jongho exactly what Yeosang was thinking about. Yeosang was easy to read for Jongho. He seemed neutral to the rest of the group, but Jongho knew Yeo’s little habits – habits that gave away what was really going through his mind.

It helped – Jongho helped a lot. He had always been Yeosang’s rock. When Yeo’s emotions seemed to overwhelm the older, Jongho knew exactly what to do. He had learned a lot – knew what was the easiest way to calm an overwhelmed Yeosang. Long before Yeosang had asked Jongho out, had the younger been by his side. He had supported him, had calmed him and had adored him. He had always given Yeosang what he needed. What Yeosang lacked, Jongho had always been able to fill. What Jongho lacked, Yeosang had always been able to fill. They completed each other.

His mind wandered to the conversation Yeosang had had with Jongho just the night before. He had laid in Jongho’s arms – arms tightly wrapped around him. Those were the times where Yeosang felt the most comfortable – completely save. Those were the times where Yeosang let his thoughts run wild – telling everything to the boy who always held him so tightly. Jongho always took it all in – never judging Yeosang for his thoughts.

Yeosang had let out every bothering thought that night. He had showed his concern for Wooyoung, but also his anger towards San. Jongho had just laid next to him – had listened to every word he had spoken. He had taken in every bit and had thought over what Yeosang had told him. Jongho had understood where he was coming from. Still, he had told Yeosang to stay out of it. Whatever was happening between Wooyoung and San wasn’t his business. The two had to figure it out between themselves. Yeosang knew that – even without Jongho telling him so – but it was so hard.

Yeosang wanted to stay out of it – he really did. He wanted to keep the mood around the table light. He wanted to keep seeing Woo smile so brightly. But it irked him – it irked him so much how Woo and San acted like the past year hadn’t happened. As if San hadn’t broken Woo’s heart. As if Wooyoung hadn’t been crying in Yeosang’s arms closely every night. As if San hadn’t acted for a whole year as if Woo hadn’t meant anything to him. He couldn’t keep quiet. Not when he could see Woo fall into San’s arms so easily again.

“God… Can you two _please_ stop acting like the past year hasn’t happened?”

Yeosang didn’t mean for those words to slip past his lips. He really hadn’t meant to ruin the peace which had settled around their table. He really hadn’t meant to ruin their evening. Everything had been running so smoothly. Everyone was slightly tipsy – the soju, they had ordered, slowly running through their systems. The conversations had gone all over the place – as if they hadn’t been able to exchange conversations through the whole weekend. The night had been filled with quiet giggles and loud laughs from everyone. Everyone had seemed perfectly fine.

The words were out in the open now though – there was nothing Yeosang could change about the situation. The alcohol had made his mouth run easy – faster than his mind was able to catch up to. The conversation around the table had stopped – the focus of his friends completely on Yeosang. He could hear a few mumbled words and a few intakes of breathes. No one expecting a conversation like this to drop on a night which seemed to be running so smoothly.

Yeosang could feel Wooyoung’s eyes on him. It was obvious Woo was trying to figure out what had triggered his best friend. He was trying to figure out how to handle the situation – what to say to Yeosang. He wanted to figure out on his own what Yeo wanted to say – where this conversation was going.

"Yeosang… Not now!"

The look in Yeo’s eyes was daring – daring Seonghwa to say another word. He dared Seonghwa to try and stop him again – to stop him from what he was about to say. He couldn’t keep the words in anymore. He didn’t know if it was the alcohol or if he had just reached his limit – but the words seemed to pour out of his mouth without any real control.

"No! I can’t keep quiet anymore... I am so sick of this.” His finger was pointing at the two boys, eyes fleeting between meeting San’s before he went to meet Woo’s. “You two have been acting like lovesick fools all weekend. You have been pretending as if nothing had ever happened between you two! But till when? Till tomorrow? And what is going to happen then? Are you two going to act like you aren’t madly in love with each other? Pretend that there aren’t any unspoken feelings between you two?” For his next words, Yeosang turned to San. He had to tell the other male what was bothering him. “And You? Are you going to run back into Minhyuk’s arms tomorrow? Are you going to pretend like you haven’t spent the whole weekend in Wooyoung’s arms? Tell me? Will you let Minhyuk kiss you again, like you aren’t in love with Wooyoung while I have to piece Woo’s heart back together which _you_ have broken once again?” There was a deep intake of breath before Yeosang kept going. “God no! I don’t need to see this happening again.” His eyes met Woo’s. “I don’t want to see you hurt again…”

He didn’t mean for his words to come out so harsh, but he couldn’t hold it in anymore. San and Wooyoung needed to hear it. They needed to think about their actions. The situation did not just affect them, but also Minhyuk – Minhyuk who was waiting for San to return from the weekend away.

Wooyoung’s eyes were wide. He didn’t know how to react. He had expected Yeosang to say something – just not tonight. He had known that his interactions with San had bothered Yeosang – the older boy not really trying to hide the distrust into the duo. He had expected for Yeosang to wait – to wait till the weekend was over.

But now that he had heard Yeo’s words – reality hit a lot harder than he liked to admit. It felt like a slap. The words were nothing new – those words had been thoughts running through his mind all weekend. To hear them out loud though – out loud it all hit so differently. Hearing those words out loud made it all feel so much more real. It made him speechless – not knowing what to say or how to act.

Wooyoung really wanted to answer. He wanted to confront his best friends so badly. But what was there to say? Everything Yeosang had said was true. The bubble San and him had built over the weekend – it was all an idea that would break the moment they left the beach house the next morning.

It didn’t take long before Woo saw Yeosang storming out of the restaurant – Jongho following closely behind the other male. Wooyoung knew he didn’t have to worry about Yeosang. Jongho would look after him. He would take care of him. If there is one person who knew how to deal with Yeosang, it was Jongho. The younger was able to handle Yeosang so much better than Wooyoung had ever been able to.

The other boys around their table stayed quiet – no one daring to say a word. The air was filled with tension. His friends’ eyes were eyeing him – not knowing how Wooyoung would react or what would happen now.

"I-I need some fresh air."

It didn’t take long before Wooyoung was practically sprinting out of the dining place. He took a deep breath once surrounded by the cold night air. Wooyoung couldn’t believe what had just happened. His mind wasn’t able to catch up – not able to process every word Yeosang had thrown at him. Words that had stacked up over a weekend of Wooyoung ignoring the older male.

Wooyoung couldn’t understand why Yeosang’s words impacted him so much if he had known it all along. Wooyoung had spent so many hours thinking about those exact words. He had spent two nights thinking about what San and him had been doing. He had faced those exact words so many times in his head. And yet, none of it could have prepared him to face Yeosang. To face a moment where someone else would tell him those exact words.

Wooyoung had known the whole weekend that Yeosang had been looking for a confrontation. He had wanted to tell Wooyoung his thoughts on the situation – from a neutral perspective, without an emotional connection. He only wanted to warn Wooyoung. If Woo hadn’t avoided Yeosang the whole weekend, Yeosang wouldn’t have let it out now. He knew he should have listened to Yeosang from the beginning – he just hadn’t been ready.

He felt guilty. If Wooyoung hadn’t avoided Yeosang, they would still be sitting in the dining place together. It would have been another unforgettable night with his best friends. He had ruined one of the only times he had with his closest friends. He hadn’t wanted this. It was his fault alone. He had ruined their night just because he had been acting selfish. He had looked for a happiness he had missed. He had only looked after himself. He had looked for the feeling only San was able to bring out inside of him without thinking about how it affected his friends. He felt terrible – he never should have acted like this.

"Wooyoung…"

God, Wooyoung really didn’t want to hear that voice right now. He didn’t want to talk to San. He didn’t know how to act around San in that moment. He didn’t know what he would do if he turned around to look the older boy into his eyes. San’s voice was shaking – indicating that the older boy was just scared about leading this conversation as he was.

Wooyoung didn’t know what San was scared about exactly. Wooyoung had made so many assumptions over the weekend – over San’s thoughts and San’s feelings – that he knew he had to stop before he started spiralling again. He didn’t want to bring his own hopes up again in hope that San might feel something for him too.

Wooyoung needed some time. He needed some time to think about everything – about the words he had been told, about the interactions with San and about the whole weekend. He wasn’t ready to talk with San – not before sorting out his own thoughts. He didn’t know what San wanted to tell him, but Wooyoung wasn’t ready for it. He was overwhelmed.

"W-What Yeosang said-"

God, Wooyoung really didn’t want to hold this conversation right now. He just wanted San to leave. He needed San to leave him alone – at least for now. He had no idea where this conversation was going, but he also didn’t want to find out. There was no reason for it – it was all over anyways. There was no reason for San to try – to try to let him down softly. Maybe he just didn’t want to run from Wooyoung – maybe this time, he wanted to give Wooyoung an actual explanation. Whatever it was – Wooyoung didn’t want to hear it. He really just wanted to be alone. He wished San had just left – hadn’t followed him outside. He should have left with his friends for their beach house as if Wooyoung didn’t mean that much to him. San could have moved on and so could have Wooyoung. They could have just pretended like this weekend had never happened.

"What Yeosang had said is true! We both know it… There is nothing else to say…"

There were no more words said – the air around them filled with tension. The only sounds filling the air were their breaths. They were both nervous – anxiety running through their veins. They didn’t know how to act or what to say. There was still so much to say – so many unspoken words and unasked questions which were just waiting to be let lose.

But there was a doubt inside both of the boys. A doubt that told them, their relationship was already lost. There was nothing to save. The year had put so much damage on their relationship that there was nothing that could save it. It was a hopeless dream that they were both running after. A lost cause.

"There is still so much more to say…"

Wooyoung’s breath hitched – not expecting San to say those words. He had to look at San – he couldn’t look away anymore. Seeing the vulnerable state San was in, made his breath hitch once more. He hadn’t expected to see the red rimmed eyes. He hadn’t expected to see a stream of tears running down San’s cheeks – seemingly unstoppable. But what he had expected the least was the obvious pain in San’s eyes – so much pain, it made Wooyoung’s heart clench.

If Wooyoung was honest, he didn’t think anything could hurt him more than this – than seeing San so small and so vulnerable. San looked so pitiful. The way he held his body made him look smaller than he was – made him seem scared of what was to come. He had never seen San like this. San used to be proud – always held himself straight and with his chin up. He never tried to hide himself away from confrontations. In the moment though, San was so far away from the San Wooyoung knew so well.

Wooyoung didn’t want to hurt San – not when the older boy was already in so much pain. But he couldn’t give in so easily – not right now. San had hurt him so much worse – had hurt him so terribly for the past year. He had played with his feelings for so long – bringing Wooyoung back into his life when he needed him. He had to put on a facade right now – no matter how much he disliked the idea of hurting San.

"What San? Tell me, what is there to say?” There was a short break in Woo’s words – trying to sort out his thoughts. “Are you finally going to be honest to yourself? Are you finally going to tell me that you love me? Because San, you don't know how much it hurts to know that you love me but that you are too damn scared to admit it. I don't even know what you're so fucking scared of? You've known that I loved you the whole time. I have told you so many fucking times and every time… Every fucking time… I was hoping you would finally say those damned words back… But you never did and God did it hurt… It hurt so much…"

Wooyoung didn't mean to raise his voice. He really didn't mean to scream at San, but everything was catching up so fast. He hadn't even realized how much of a toll this was taking on him. He hadn’t realised how much all of this had actually tired him out. But now that he was able to let it out – even if it was unwillingly – it all hit him a lot stronger. He was just tired. He was so tired of the game San had been playing with him. He needed to end this – not just for him, but also for San. It wasn’t healthy.

In way it, it felt weird to let his thoughts finally out. It had been words that had been running through his mind for so long – just waiting for the right moment to be let out. He had wanted to tell San those words so many times – had wanted to tell San those words every time the older was around. It had been words Wooyoung should have told San a long time ago – he was aware. He should have told San those words long before San had left him a year ago. If Wooyoung had asked those questions before Minhyuk had been in the picture, their relationship could have been saved. Maybe, they would be happy together right now. They wouldn’t be where they are right now.

But Wooyoung had been scared. He had been scared that maybe San just didn’t love him. He was scared that he might overstep boundaries. A conversation like this could have brought distance between the boys – something Wooyoung had never wanted between them. It could have ended with San avoiding him. It was thought – Wooyoung had been so scared of. He never wanted to stay away from San. He had needed the older boy in his life.

But if he had known that he had to go a whole year without San by his side anyways, he would have asked. He would have known why San avoided him at least. Maybe, he wouldn’t have had so many thoughts running through his mind the past year. Maybe, he could have accepted the distance between them.

Still, seeing San’s pain filled eyes – seeing how scared San looked in that moment – made Woo’s heart clench. He had seen how San had flinched at the rise of his voice – how he had taken a step back. He had scared San. He hadn’t wanted that. He would never want to scare San. He loved San – he could never do that. The turmoil in his mind was just so hard to control. There was so much going on inside of him – it was hard to control himself. There were so many thoughts running through his mind and he was feeling so much at once. He just wanted it all to go quiet – wanted to numb his feelings. He needed a break. He needed to be alone. He needed to sort out his mind first – had to fully understand what was going on. After that he could hold an actual conversation. But right now – he doesn’t think he could.

“Damnit Woo. Don’t you get it? I was scared of losing you... and honestly I still am…"

Even if San had sworn – the words were spoken so quietly. Wooyoung would have missed it, if the air surrounding them, wouldn’t have been so quiet. If Wooyoung was honest – he hadn’t expected those words. He had expected a lot – had expected San to finally end it all – but he would have never expected a confession like this. Wooyoung could feel his heart beat speed up.

"I was so scared of losing you. I thought you would realise that I am not as amazing as you have always thought. I was scared that you would find someone better than me – someone who could make you happier, someone who would treat you better and someone who actually deserves you. I was so scared that you would leave me… I needed to get away from you. Because I think if you had left first, I wouldn’t have known how I would have coped with it. I don’t think I would have been able to cope with it at all." There was a dry chuckle after those words. “I am so sorry Wooyoung. I never wanted to hurt you.”

If there hadn't been tears spilling down Wooyoung's cheeks before, they were surely running down his cheeks now. He had expected a lot – but it wasn’t this. He had expected a light rejection, maybe a quiet sorry before San would leave him to cry alone. But San was fighting for him. He didn’t leave. Wooyoung’s mind couldn’t comprehend this. San wanted to keep Wooyoung in his life.

There was no reaction from Wooyoung – too overwhelmed to react in any way. His mind had been on overdrive the whole evening. There had been no time for him to process everything that had happened. He hadn’t even been able to let every word Yeosang had spoken sink in. And now San… The older had given him more words that he had to process. He couldn’t talk to San right now – not with everything that was going on in his head. He needed to be alone. He needed to get away from his situation.

Wooyoung had been so sure. He had been so sure San wouldn’t fight for him. He had expected San to leave – just like he had a year ago. It made this whole situation so unbelievable. There was no way San just admitted to being scared of losing him – the fear so big he was scared to let himself love Wooyoung the way he really wanted.

It was an explanation Wooyoung had wanted for the past year. He had wanted to understand San. He had known all along that there had to be a reason why San had changed. He had thought it was his own fault – he had pushed San away that night. Instead, San is here, laying out in the open how much he feared losing Wooyoung. But isn’t that what he done when he left him?

Wooyoung wanted to take the older boy in his arms – he wanted to hold him close and never let go. He wanted to kiss him – kiss him the way he had always wanted. He wouldn’t have to hide any of his feelings – he could let it all pour out. He wanted to tell the older male he loved him – that he would never be able to stop loving him. He didn’t have to be scared. Wooyoung would never leave. He would never find someone better than San. He wanted to do all of this so badly.

But something was stopping him – there was mistrust around them. San had played with him for so long. It was hard to believe that San actually meant those words. Maybe he had only said them to keep Woo in his life – just so he could play with him a bit longer. So maybe, when Minhyuk left him, he could run back into his arms.

"Wooyoung…"

There was a warm hand placed onto Woo’s cheek – tempting the small boy to give into the soft feeling. San had stepped closer towards him. Wooyoung could feel the body heat radiating of the other male. San wanted to be close to Wooyoung in that moment – he had laid everything he felt out there in the open for Woo to see. He needed the reassurance.

Instead, Wooyoung took a step back. He let the warm hand fall from his cheek. He couldn’t give into the older male so fast. He had to think about this first. He had to think about everything before he would be able to give himself to San so easily. Too much had happened for Wooyoung to open himself to San again.

The pain in San’s eyes was obvious – hurt by the distance Wooyoung was putting between them. But he could understand it – he had hurt Wooyoung. He regretted it. He had never wanted to do this. He should have told Wooyoung he loved him years ago. Wooyoung could have been his. They wouldn’t be hurting so much. It could have all been so easy.

"I need some time… I’m sorry San."

The words weren’t more than a whisper. All strength had left Wooyoung’s body – he couldn’t pretend anymore. There was only pain. Wooyoung was hurting so much. He wanted San to feel his pain – wanted to know how hard everything had been on him. He wanted San to feel his pain with every word he spoke.

Wooyoung felt weird. He had waited for this moment for so long. He had waited for San to show him how he really felt for so much longer than the past year. Yet, the moment San laid his heart out in the open – Wooyoung shut him out. He didn’t feel happy – there was no relieve after hearing those words. He had expected he would fall into San’s arms – cry out of happiness. But he couldn’t – instead, all he wanted was to get away.

San understood. He could understand that Wooyoung needed time. A lot had happened between the two boys – too much to just give in so easily. San had hurt Wooyoung a lot worse than he would probably ever know. So, he accepted it. Even if he didn’t know what Wooyoung was thinking about – even if he had questions for the other boy – he didn’t let them out. He waited till Wooyoung was ready. Till they were ready to have a proper conversation.

"Woo… there is something I want to say before I go…."

When their eyes met, Wooyoung felt his breath hitch. The emotions in San’s eyes were so strong. A familiar emotion had swum into the forefront – an emotion Wooyoung had seen uncountable times in San’s eyes. It was something Wooyoung hadn’t expected to see tonight – in that moment.

San didn’t have to tell Wooyoung where this conversation was going – he knew what San’s next words would be. Wooyoung didn’t want to hear those three stupid words right now. It wasn’t the right time. That was not how Wooyoung wanted San to confess. He couldn’t let San say those words. No matter what – he couldn’t let San state them now.

"Don’t San. This isn’t fair. You can’t say them now… Please…"

San didn’t say anything – eyes just fleeting between the brown eyes of the other boy. He wouldn’t be able to confess tonight. It would have to wait. He would have to wait for a moment where Wooyoung was ready. He had to wait for a moment, where Wooyoung wasn’t overwhelmed by emotions and conversations. San accepted it.

Wooyoug couldn’t allow San to say those three words in that moment. He had to gather himself first – to understand what had really happened tonight. Wooyoung was scared, he wouldn’t be able to keep his façade up. He couldn’t give into San just yet. He had to be sure about everything first, before he could run into the arms of the older boy. He had to figure out if he was ready to trust San again. He couldn’t give his all to San, if he didn’t know if he was being ready to trust him again.

Yeosang had been right. San and Wooyoung couldn’t pretend like the past year hadn’t happened. The last year had changed a lot in their dynamics. It had broken a trust which had been built over years. He had to accept that San had messed with him a lot – even if he had tried to ignore it for a long time.

A dry laugh left Wooyoung’s lips. If someone had told Wooyoung how his relationship with San were to turn out just a little over a year ago, he wouldn’t have believed their words. He had been sure that no one would be able to get in between the duo – it had always been Wooyoung and San against the world.

Everything had changed so fast – just one night and everything had been different. The night before they still had been cuddling, Wooyoung about to fall asleep in San’s arms while listening to the heartbeat of the other boy. It had been peaceful – like any of their nights spent together. No one could have prepared Wooyoung for how the night was going to end – even less, for the change the next day.

Wooyoung went through the past year – from the way San had treated him and how he had given him the cold shoulder. It had been something to get used to. He had been used to sticking by San’s side. Even if San had had Minhyuk, he had always had an arm around Woo. He had made sure no one approached the smaller boy. The thought made a small smile spread onto his lips – San had never liked other boys approaching him. Wooyoung had taunted San a lot over his jealousy and light possessiveness. But if Wooyoung had been honest, he had loved it. So, seeing San pretending like he didn’t care – it was hard. It had broken his heart in more than two pieces.

He was also thinking about this weekend – how San had acted like he had always done around Wooyoung. There had been a constant touch between the boys – if it was an arm thrown over a shoulder, a hand laying on his thigh or a head nuzzled into his neck – there was no moment, where the two boys weren’t touching. San had showed him, how much he still cared – how much he still loved Wooyoung. Even after a year, San had never lost the feelings he had been harbouring for Wooyoung. It made Woo’s heart beat faster.

San loved Wooyoung – there was no doubt to this anymore. Wooyoung had known so for a long time. Even if there had been time, where he wasn’t sure if San really did. Whenever he thought about how San had treated him – there was no reason to question it. San had always put Wooyoung before himself. It had always been about making Woo happy. San had made his own happiness second priority whenever it came to Wooyoung. The realisation made Woo’s heart clench. He should have never doubted San – even if San had given him so many reasons to do so.

San had shown Woo this side once again – this weekend had been all about Wooyoung. San hadn’t questioned anything. It had all been Woo’s choice. If Wooyoung hadn’t made a move onto San, maybe the weekend would have been different. Wooyoung had searched for the conversation. Wooyoung had first leaned into San. He had indicated what would happen during the weekend, San just hadn’t been able to say no. He was never able to say no to Wooyoung.

If Wooyoung had been honest – there had been times during this weekend, where he had forgotten how much had changed between them. Everything had gone back to feeling so familiar. San’s touches were still so usual – as if nothing had ever changed. It had made Wooyoung indulge in his own reality for a bit.

The past year had happened though – he couldn’t ignore it. There had been a change between the two boys – even if none of them had wanted it. It had happened and they couldn’t change it anymore. They had to face the truth – they couldn’t avoid it anymore. The only way to save what they have, would be a conversation. A conversation where both were ready to be honest to themselves. A conversation where neither were overwhelmed with the whole situation.

A tired sigh left Woo’s lips. He didn’t know how long he had been sitting at the bus stop before his bus came. Time seemed to fly by when he was lost in his head. Looking at the time on his phone – the screen glared at him. His eyes not used to the brightness anymore. Three in the morning – Wooyoung hadn’t even realised he had been waiting this long for his bus.

Slumping into a seat in the back of the bus – another tired sigh left his lips. He had countless messages from his friends. His friends were worried – he couldn’t blame them. He had disappeared in the middle of the night with no one around. He didn’t feel like answering them all – too tired to calm his worried friends. Deciding to only text Seonghwa, to be able to calm their friends at least a bit.

Wooyoung was about to send a message to Seonghwa – telling the older he was alright, that he was on his way home and that they didn’t have to worry about him. He felt terrible – he really hadn’t meant to worry his friends. He had ruined their weekend enough – they didn’t also have to take their time to worry about his whereabouts and well-being.

The message that stopped him from texting Seonghwa though, made his breath hitch. He could feel his heartbeat fasten. He had not expected to hear from San – not after the conversation they had had just a few hours ago. When his eyes were gliding over the words, he could feel tears brimming at his eyes again. San couldn’t do this to him. He couldn’t stop reading the words San had sent him. It seemed like, everything around him had blurred out – everything but the words that were glaring up at him from his phone screen.

_**San** _  
_I’m sorry Wooyoung. I never meant to hurt you – just know that I love you. I love you with everything I have. And I will be waiting for you – waiting till you’re ready to let me into your life again. Even if I will be waiting for the rest of my life, I won’t give up on us._


	6. it's obvious you're meant for me, every piece of you, it just fits perfectly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So..." There was playfulness in Woo's voice. "Can I call you mine now?"
> 
> The smiles grew on each of their lips – every word Woo spoke making their lips brush against each other. Wooyoung didn't even realise he was pressing himself closer to San's body. San tightened his arms around Wooyoung's waist.
> 
> "I have been yours all this time anyways."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story was inspired by the quote "You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever."
> 
> tw / usage of alcohol and drugs, vulgar language, making out, mention of losing virginity and short coming out story

San had to do something – something he should have done a long time ago. It was something, he should have done the moment he had returned from the weekend with his best friends. He hadn't dared to – not knowing how the other boy would react to his words. It was wrong – San was aware. He didn't love Minhyuk – he shouldn't keep playing with his heart. But it was hard. He didn't want to hurt Minhyuk. The boy still meant a lot to him.

But it had been a week – a week since San had last spoken or even seen Wooyoung. He missed him. He missed him so dearly – he knew he would never feel an emotion this strongly for Minhyuk. He had to break up with him. It didn't matter anymore how much he was going to hurt the other male. Pretending to still love Minhyuk was worse than the pain he would give the other male with breaking up.

San hadn't spoken to any of his friends during the week. He had avoided them. He didn't want to face their questions – the questions of what had happened between Wooyoung and him after he had run after the smaller boy. He had gotten a lot of texts over the week – mostly from Yunho being worried about his well-being. San didn't have the strength to answer – only writing a short message telling Yunho he was alright and that there wasn't a reason to worry about him. Between all the texts he had gotten, none of the texts had been from the boy he so desperately wanted to hear from. He didn't even know if Wooyoung had gone to class this week.

San had thought about contacting Wooyoung – more than once. He was worried about his other half. Wooyoung had looked so broken the last time he had seen him. But he knew it wouldn't be right to text the other boy. Wooyoung needed space. He needed time to think. It didn't stop San from worrying though – the last sign he had gotten from Wooyoung was the written time of when Woo had read his last message. The time glared at him whenever he opened their messages. It hurt.

"Oh Sannie..." There was a smile stretching on Minhyuk's lips – San couldn't return it. San's heart clenched. "What are you doing here?"

Minhyuk's smile was bright – his eyes shining with happiness and love. Minhyuk had barely looked at San differently. It made the situation so much harder. Minhyuk had fallen for San long before they had even dated – San had known this all long. He had been Minhyuk's long lasting crush – a crush Minhyuk had never thought he would have a chance with.

Minhyuk had always seen Wooyoung and San together. He had never seen the one without the other. If you could hear Wooyoung's voice through the halls of their college, it wasn't long before San's laugh followed. If San entered a classroom, it didn't take a second for Wooyoung to follow. It was never just one – Wooyoung and San had been a package deal.

If Minhyuk was honest, he had been jealous – having wanted the love filled stares shared between the two boys. Maybe he had also been envious. Wooyoung had always had San's attention – if he had wanted it or not – San had never been able to look away from the boy sitting by his side. A constant smile was placed onto San's lips when Wooyoung was around. Minhyuk had wished so many times to be Wooyoung. He had wanted those love filled eyes of San on his being. He wanted to be the reason behind San's constant smile.

Minhyuk still remembered how astonished he had been, when San had asked him to be his boyfriend. He had known that something wasn't right between San and Wooyoung the moment the question had left San's mouth – still he hadn't been able to say no. He had wanted this for too long. And at first, Minhyuk had given his all for San – too blinded by the love he had harboured for the other male. He hadn't realised the longing stares San still gave Wooyoung, the small smile that always sneaked onto San's lips at the mention of Woo's name and the way San tensed whenever Wooyoung joined them at their table during lunch.

"We need to talk Minhyuk." San's eyes showed determination – finally being able to build up the courage to hold this specific conversation. He had avoided this for too long. He had run from this too long. "It's important."

San could see how Minhyuk tensed – the smile on his lips turning into a worried frown. There was a slow nod. San didn't know if Minhyuk knew what was going to happen – if he had an idea – but from the arguments happening lately, he might have. Minhyuk had confronted San often about his feelings for Wooyoung, since he had often felt like a second choice. It made San feel terrible, but he had never been able to say those three words back to Minhyuk. It would have been a lie; a lie San wouldn't have been able to tell.

Sitting down, the air between the boys was filled with tension. It had never felt like this – not even during their arguments. Everything between Minhyuk and San had been easy – filled with giggles and fondness. Even during their fights, the fondness in the air never fully vanished. Even if San had never been in love with Minhyuk, he had a strong fondness for the boy. Minhyuk had a heart like no other – too good for most people around them. San had always wanted to protect him – maybe he should have protected Minhyuk from himself too.

"What-What did you want to talk about?"

Minhyuk's eyes weren't able to meet San's – too scared of what was to come. He was fiddling with his fingers, foot tapping against the carpeted floor – nervous ticks Minhyuk had harboured for years. San had learned a lot about Minhyuk in the past year – from nervous habits, to changes in his voice and to the glints in his eyes. It was so easy to read Minhyuk.

It broke San's heart to see Minhyuk like this. It had been some time since Minhyuk had made himself so small around San – since he had been so nervous to be around him. San didn't like this. He didn't want their relationship to change. He wanted to keep the other male in his life – but it was a selfish wish. He was going to break the boy's heart and if Minhyuk wanted space after this, San would have to accept that. He wouldn't push something onto the boy, he didn't want.

"We..." San didn't want to say it. He didn't want to hurt Minhyuk. "We have to break up."

There was a long silence. No one dared to say a word. San could feel his heart in his throat – scared of the reaction Minhyuk was going to have. He didn't like the idea of Minhyuk staying so calm – so collected. He didn't know what reaction he had expected, if San had been honest, but it wasn't this. The tapping of Minhyuk's food had stopped and the fiddling of his fingers had too.

"You know..." San felt his breath hitch when he heard the calm voice of Minhyuk. "I knew that would happen. I was waiting for you to do it actually..." A dry chuckle left Minhyuk's lips. "I know you never stopped loving Wooyoung, Sannie. And that's okay, I am not mad." Minhyuk's eyes met San's for the first time since they had sat down together. Minhyuk wanted San to see that he was sincere in the words he spoke. "I have known it all along Sannie, but I still enjoyed the months you gave me. I am grateful and I love you, but I know it is time for you to get the boy you really love."

San didn't think he would be the one with tears streaming down his face, but when Minhyuk let his thumb run along his cheek – he couldn't stop from letting his emotions run free. There was a soft smile on Minhyuk's lips – a smile San knew all too well. Minhyuk had looked at San like this often – softness and fondness written over every little feature.

"Oh Sannie... Don't cry."

It didn't take long before arms wrapped themselves around San. A head placed onto his own head – a light giggle falling from Minhyuk's lips. San really shouldn't be the one crying in Minhyuk's arms – he had just broken the boy's heart, not the other way around.

"That's your fault." Another chuckle came from Minhyuk's lips. "Why do you have to be so understanding?"

There was a light hit against Minhyuk's chest – gaining another chuckle from Minhyuk. San tightened his arms around Minhyuk's waist. He couldn't understand how the boy could still be so nice to him – so understanding of his situation. It didn't make sense.

Minhyuk had never deserved this – he had deserved so much better than San had ever been able to give him. He had deserved a boyfriend who loved him unconditionally. He deserved someone who was able to give him his heart fully. Something San had never been able to do – would have never been able to do.

San had so much to say to Minhyuk – so much he wanted to thank the other male for. But he didn't know where to start. This situation had overwhelmed him. He had imagined so many different reactions from Minhyuk - but it was never like this. So now, San didn't know how to react. He didn't know what to do.

"Thank you." There was a shake in San's voice. "Thank you for everything."

More tears streamed down San's face. There was so much he was feeling right now. Everything was so overwhelming. He was so relieved that he hadn't lost Minhyuk like he had expected. He was grateful for Minhyuk's understanding being. The love for Woo was also running wild - realising there was nothing stopping San from getting the boy he loved so much. It was all so much. San didn't think he had felt this relieved – this at ease – in a long time. There was no guilt anymore, no second thoughts, no doubt – he was free to make Wooyoung his.

The sound of San's phone going off broke the boys apart - a smile spreading onto San's lips at the name. There was a small smile on Minhyuk's lips too - knowing who had just texted San. It was a smile San always carried when Woo was around. It was soft – eyes glowing, deep dimples and big enough to show his teeth.

"It's Wooyoung, isn't it?" There was a teasing glint in Minhyuk's voice – a light blush rising onto San's cheeks when he gave the other boy a short nod. "You should go to him... I'm sure he is worried. The others have been asking where you have been the past few days."

Minhyuk was right – Wooyoung was worried. The message wasn't long – just a short question about if he was alright. Maybe their friends hoped that Wooyoung would get a response – since no one else seemed to be able to get an answer from San. And San really wanted to answer Woo – but he had other plans. He had thought about how to do this for days. He wouldn't let a short text message from Wooyoung ruin his idea.

"I-I need to go..." San's eyes showed how bad he felt about leaving so abruptly. He still had so much to talk about with Minhyuk – so much he wanted to tell the other boy. "I need to go see him."

There was the understanding smile on Minhyuk's lips again – a teasing glint shining through in his eyes. It made a shy smile spread on San's lips – cheeks slightly blushing.

"Go... I'm sure Woo is just waiting for you."

San let himself fall into Minhyuk's arms once more – pulling the boy closely against his body and wanting to feel warmth that always radiated off of Minhyuk one last time. He hoped the hug would bring over the words he hadn't been able to tell the other.

"I know I said it before, but..." There was a short break in San's sentence – his arms tightening around Minhyuk's build. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

San could feel Minhyuk's arms tighten around his waist, before the boy was shushing him out of his house. Telling him if he kept waiting any longer, someone else would steal Woo away from him. It was all it took for San to run into direction of Wooyoung's home – not able to wait any longer to hold the boy in his arms again. Wooyoung would finally be his.

A smile stretched onto San's lips when he spotted Wooyoung slightly walking ahead of him. Woo kept glancing at his phone – impatiently waiting for an answer from San. Woo had only found out the day itself that San hadn't contacted anyone of their friends during the whole week. It wasn't like San. It made him nervous. San always answered texts – even if they were only short messages of him telling people he's busy or that he's alright. Wooyoung was worried.

When hands laid itself over his eyes, Wooyoung felt his whole body tense. Hs breath hitched in his throat when he felt another body press itself into his back and when he felt the hot breath of another person fan along the back of his neck.

The air around Woo smelt familiar – making the nerves in his body relax. He let himself fall into the body of the person behind him. He could distinguish this scent everywhere. He could feel San's lips stretch into a smirk. A long sigh left Wooyoung's lips – San was fine. He was fine. No one was going to hurt him with San around. He was save.

"Do you trust me?"

Woo's blood was boiling – San's breath tickling his ear only intensified the feeling of excitement running through his body. The smile on Wooyoung's lips only grew. He wanted to put every bit of trust he had into the boy behind him – as long as the heat of the body behind him wasn't leaving his form.

In a way, Wooyoung felt like he should scold San. He had worried not just Wooyoung, but also all of their friends. He had disappeared for a week without contacting anyone. Not telling anyone where he was, how he was doing or what he was up to. When their friends had told Wooyoung, his heart had stopped for a moment. San had never done so before.

But now that San was so close – now that he could feel the body heat of the other boy pressed against his body – he couldn't find it in himself to do so. All he felt in the moment was excitement and love – excitement for what was to come and love for the boy by his side.

Even with the lack of one of his senses – Wooyoung had never felt saver. San made him feel save. His body relaxed in an instant – letting it fall against the chest behind him and head falling onto San's shoulder. The smile, which spread onto Woo's lips, was a smile only San could conjure onto Wooyoung's lips. The content sigh leaving his lips came with the closeness he had missed so much.

A week ago, all Wooyoung had wanted was to stay away. But he had realised fast that he didn't think he could go without San ever again – not after tasting the closeness of the older male again. He needed San. It was something that had only proven itself once again during the week. He couldn't let him go again – not when they were being this close again.

"Yes."

The breath from San's giggles tickled Woo's cheek – a light giggle falling from Woo's lips. Hearing San's giggle again made Wooyoung realise he never wanted to miss out on that sound again. He wanted to be the reason behind San's smiles and laughs again. He wanted to be the reason why San was happy again. A blush rose on Woo's cheeks when he felt San press a light kiss to his cheeks – an embarrassed noise leaving his lips after.

With San so close, Wooyoung lost control over all his senses. Everything was just SanSanSanSanSan – there was nothing he could do about it. San took over his whole being – took full control over Wooyoung's body and his decisions. Even if Wooyoung had wanted to tell the boy no, he wouldn't have been able to. Not when it comes to San. Never when it comes to San.

"Will you leave your eyes closed when I remove my hands?"

There was playfulness in San's voice – a teasing glint. San was aware that Wooyoung hated to not be able to see. Wooyoung was curious. He always walked around with big eyes – trying to take in as much as he could. He had to be aware of every little incident around him. Walking around with Wooyoung, was like walking around with a small child – a child full of wonder of the world and the beings habiting it.

A whine left Wooyoung's lips. He wanted to see what was happening. He wanted to know where San was taking him. He wanted to see San. He hadn't seen San since their fight – flashbacks of tear streaks and wobbling lips appearing before his eyes. Still, with a pout on his lips, he gave a small nod. Hands left his eyes and a light giggle was heard before lips pressed itself against his lips into a short peck. Another whine left Woo's lips – he wanted more.

"Stop with the pouting angel..." Another giggle left San's lips. "I promise, it is worth it."

Wooyoung felt San lace his fingers through his hand, before lightly tucking to get the smaller boy to move behind him. He kept a watchful eye on Wooyoung – not wanting the small boy to trip and hurt himself. Every now and then, San would squeeze Woo's hand in reassurance to show that he wouldn't leave his side. A smile was playing on Woo's lips. The excitement running through Woo's veins only peaked when he felt San tuck him forward – curiosity running wild in his head with the possibilities on where San could be taking him.

Wooyoung couldn't stop his mind from running through all the possibilities on where San was taking him, couldn't stop thinking about everything they could be doing once they reach their destination and couldn't stop wondering what it all meant. His excitement was running high. He could feel his heart beat fast in his chest, could feel the smile stretching bigger onto his lips and felt his free hand grab onto San's arms – wanting to be as close as possible to the other boy.Wooyoung thought about asking San where he was taking him – asking for any kind of hint. But Wooyoung knew that San would only use it as a chance to tease the younger boy about being impatient he was. It made the pout return – he wanted a hint so badly.

When Woo felt San halt in his tracks, he could feel more questions rise inside his head. He had no sense of direction with his eyes closed, so he couldn't make out where they could have walked to. Getting slightly nervous, he pressed himself closer to San's build. He tried to use his ears – listening to children's laughs and scolding parents – to figure out where San could have taken him. It ended with only more questions.

But once San allowed him to open his eyes, he knew why San had brought him there. The playground was probably the place where Wooyoung had first fallen for San. He had only been five, had no understanding of love and only knew the small boy with the dimpled smile who made his heart beat slightly faster. San and Wooyoung had spent afternoons playing on the small playground near their houses – seeing their moms chat away on the benches and running around, laughing together and just being genuinely happy.

_Wooyoung was only five, running around the playground his mom brought him to every day after kindergarten. His mom knew how much he loved to use the swing since they didn't have one in their garden. She also know how much Wooyoung loved to meet the small boy from next door – the boy with the deep dimples and the brightest smile who always stuck to Woo's hip once he had entered the playground with his mother._

_Wooyoung wanted to use the swing – like he always did – and let San push him without ever asking him to return the request._

_Wooyoung and San had their fingers interlaced – Wooyoung pulling the older boy behind him. Wooyoung could hear San giggle behind him while letting the smaller boy drag him along without ever questioning him or complaining. The already six years old boy just wanted Woo to be happy. He wanted to see the smile spread onto Woo's chubby face. He wanted to see the red spread onto the apples of his cheeks. Wooyoung was cute._

_Reaching the swings, they saw that both were occupied. They waited patiently – knowing everyone would get their turn. Wooyoung slung his small chubby arms around San's waist – loving to be close to him and knowing that San would never push him away. Wooyoung could feel San's arm press him closer to his body. He could even feel San press a small kiss onto the top of his head. It made Woo blush furiously – not knowing what it had meant back then._

_Five years old Wooyoung didn't know what it meant when his heart beat a bit faster when he met eyes with the older boy. He didn't know what it meant when he wanted to hide his head into the crook of San's neck so San couldn't see his blushing cheeks. The only thing Wooyoung had known back then, was that he never wanted to let go of Choi San._

Wooyoung hadn't even realised that San was trying to pull him forward – too lost in the images flashing before his eyes. He only realised San was tugging him forward when he told Wooyoung to sit down – just like when they were younger. With a shy smile and red cheeks, Wooyoung sat down and San went to the familiar place behind him to push him – just like he used to do all those years ago.

After the first push from San, Wooyoung couldn't stop the giggles from falling from his lips. He felt like the small carefree boy again that he used to be. He told San to push him higher – to not slack off – which only earned him an amused laugh from the older boy.

Wooyoung had to be honest – he hadn't felt this happy in a long time. He hadn't felt so carefree and at ease for too long. In a way it felt like, with every new push from San, another worry fell from his body. It was exactly what he needed.

"C'mon little one." There was a bright, dimpled smile on San's lips. "We have other places to go to."

A loud whine fell from Woo's lips – wanting to stay at the playground a little bit longer. He wanted San to keep pushing him. He wanted to forget about his problems for a bit longer. He wanted to pretend he was only five years old for a little longer.

"Aren't you curious about what else I want to show you?"

Wooyung was aware of what San was doing – Wooyoung's curiosity always got the better of him. And San was using that to his own advantage. San was already walking ahead – a triumphant smile on his lips. It didn't take long for Wooyoung to catch – clinging onto San's arm with a big pout on his lips. It only made San's smile bigger.

"Do I have to close my eyes again?"

Wooyoung had tried to pull of his best puppy eyes – begging San to let him see where they were heading to next. He didn't want to miss out on their way there again. There was a playful smile on San's lips – that being enough answer for Wooyoung to know what he had to do. There was a frustrated huff coming from Wooyoung. He just wanted to know where they were going. There was another pout on Wooyoung's lips – a smitten smile spreading onto San's lips. Wooyoung was so cute. When San saw Wooyoung close his eyes, he started to pull the smaller boy to their next destination.

The next spot wasn't as exciting as the playground was but it held just as much meaning to the two boys as the playground did. It was their high school. It had been the place where Wooyoung had first realised his sexuality. It was the place where he realised for the first time what his blushed cheeks and fastened heartbeat around San meant. It had been the place where Wooyoung had broken down in San's arms and had told him everything for the first time.

_"Wooyoung..." There was only the sound of shoes hitting the floor heard. "Wait!"_

_Wooyoung ignored the voice of San behind him. He wanted to be alone. He wasn't ready to explain to the other boy what had just happened – what for a realisation he just had. He needed some time for himself first – he needed to process that new information first. He was gay. He was in love with San. He had been in love with San since he could remember. More tears were streaming down his cheeks._

_Wooyoung had always known that San had meant a lot to him – a lot more than anyone else had ever meant to him. But it had never occurred to him that he might be in love with his best friend. But with this new revelation, so much had changed. The butterflies in his stomach, the fastened heartbeat and the sweaty palms all made sense now. He should have realised it sooner. It was so obvious how in love he was._

_Wooyoung couldn't get much farther before a hand was grabbing his arm and pulling him into an all too familiar chest. San's arms were wrapping themselves protectively around Woo's tinier frame – hating to see Wooyoung like this. It only made more tears spill from Wooyoung's eyes. He didn't want to lose San._

_San just held Wooyoung close – not wanting to let the small boy out of his reach for even a second. He didn't know what had happened. He didn't know why Wooyoung seemed so scared. But San knew that whatever it was, he would help Wooyoung through it. He would help him fight whatever it is. He would never leave him._

_"You want to tell me what happened?"_

_San whispered those words into Wooyoung's ear – placing a small kiss just below it. San could feel Wooyoung's grip on his shirt tighten – tighten, as if he was scared San would leave him. San would never leave Wooyoung. He had promised Wooyoung this years ago._

_"Please Youngie..." There was slight desperation in San's words. "Talk to me."_

_San was worried. It broke his heart to see Wooyoung like this. He hated it whenever Wooyoung cried. All he wanted was to see the boy's pretty smile again and hear his too-loud laugh resonate trough their high school's halls._

_When Woo's eyes met San's – the fear was obvious. He looked so scared and unsure – it only worried San more. He just wanted to know what was going on. He wanted to help Wooyoung with whatever was going on._

_"I-I think..." Wooyoung had to take a deep breath. "I think I'm gay."_

_San tightened his arms around Woo's smaller frame – pressing his body even closer to his. He smiled down at Wooyoung. He wanted to show the younger boy that it was okay, that he didn't have to be scared about sharing this with him and that he was proud of him for sharing this with him._

_Wooyoung send him an unsure smile back. His head fell back onto San's chest before San felt Woo nuzzle his head into his chest. All San could do was place a small kiss onto his head and tighten his arms around Wooyoung once again. He just wanted to make sure that Wooyoung knew he was save with San._

"It feels like such a long time ago..."

Those were the only words Wooyoung was able to whisper – his coming out to San probably being one of the hardest moments for him. But San had helped him. San had helped him through everything and had sat through every coming out with him. He had held his hand and had been there when it hadn't gone well. San had been there through it all and Wooyoung knew that San would always be there.

Wooyoung felt San's body behind him and let himself fall into the strong chest of the other boy. San's arms were wrapping itself protectively around Woo's waist as if he knew exactly what Wooyoung was referring to. San placed another kiss onto the top of Woo's head – as if he wanted to reassure him – and tightened his arms around him. Wooyoung meant everything to him.

"And I am still so proud of you..."

Wooyoung smiled. He still felt more than grateful to San for being there for him – for never leaving his side. Wooyoung had his head resting on San's shoulder while they both kept staring at their old high school building. They were quietly sharing stories between each other – giggles and whines shared between each other. It felt nice. They felt at peace.

It felt so long since they had last entered that building – since they had all the time in the world and when everything between them was still so much easier. Wooyoung missed it, but he also wouldn't want to exchange the past three years for anything.

"Do you want to keep going?"

Wooyoung only gave a light nod – letting San pull him away from the old building and into the direction of their next destination. San kept Woo's back pressed against his chest – making them waddle around their little town. It made loud giggles fall from Wooyoung's lips and caught them a few judging looks from people around them. But Wooyoung didn't care – he was happy. He couldn't ask for anything more than having San this close to him at all times.

When San whispered into his ear to close his eyes again, Wooyoung did it. He was content as it was – content with having San's arms wrapped around him and feeling San's warm body pressed against his own. Wooyoung could feel San place kisses onto his head, onto his shoulder and onto his neck – making his heart beat a bit faster with every new one.

Wooyoung didn't know what to expect from the next stop, but once he was allowed to open his eyes – a smile spread onto his lips, followed by an amused laugh. It was the tattoo parlour where Wooyoung and San had gotten their matching tattoos at. It had some of Woo's favourite memories. The grin didn't leave his face.

_"Sannie..." There was a pout in Wooyoung's voice. "I'm scared..."_

_"Hey..." San took Woo's hand into his own. "I am right here, okay?"_

_There was adoration in San's eyes – an adoration San only held for Wooyoung. Woo could feel San squeeze his hand – reassuring that he wouldn't let go and that he would stay by his side – no matter what. It made the butterflies in Woo's stomach go wild. Warmth spread through Wooyoung's body – a warmth only San was able to make him feel and a warmth, Wooyoung wished he felt at all times._

_"Are you ready?"_

_Wooyoung locked eyes with San's once more before giving the tattoo artist a nod. Woo squeezed San's hand tighter once the needle started to graze his skin. It hurt, but it wasn't as painful as Wooyoung had expected. Wooyoung kept telling himself that the outcome would be worth it – just wanting to have something else to think about than the pain. Every time San saw Wooyoung wrinkle his face in slight pan, he would place a peck onto the back of his hand, on every knuckle and on his wrist – all just to distract him from the uncomfortable pain._

_Once the tattoo artists was done and Wooyoung was able to look at the tattoo which was now gracing his skin – he felt an unbelievable amount of happiness run through his body. He let his eyes flow over the words written onto his wrist – whispering them out loud as if he couldn't believe them. And as if San knew – the wrist with the rest of the sentence appeared next to Woo's own._

**_"my hand might be in yours only for a moment..."_ **

**_"...but my heart will be yours forever."_ **

And as if San knew once again what words Wooyoung was thinking about, San let the pad of his thumb run along the words on Woo's wrist. Wooyoung caught a glimpse of the words on San's wrist and the words played on repeat in his mind.

**_butmyheartwillbeyoursforeverbutmyheartwillbeyoursforeverbutmyheartwillbeyoursforeverbutmyheartwillbeyoursforeverbutmyheartwillbeyoursforever_ **

Wooyoung and San had been so young when they had decided to get those tattoos – only sixteen but already so in love. They had begged their parents to let them get those tattoos. They had saved up for months to be able to afford it. But to this day, Wooyoung couldn't find it in himself to regret it. He could never regret anything that related to San.

"There is one more place that we have to go to, little one."

The words were whispered. San's head nuzzled itself into Woo's neck before San started placing lots of butterfly kisses onto his skin. Wooyoung couldn't stop himself from giving San more access – a sighed 'okay' leaving his lips.

"San..." There was clear aw in Woo's voice. "Where are we?"

Wooyoung was looking around himself – taking in the unfamiliar place. He was surrounded by trees and flowers, lots of green and he could hear birds chirp a bit farther away. It was pretty. It was peaceful. Wooyoung relaxed without even realising – it felt like home. The nervousness, he had been feeling, seeping away into the grounds.

Before Woo was a little garden house. It looked old – like no one had visited the place in years. The public seemed to have long forgotten about it. There was moss growing along the bricks and there was a wall filled with ivy. It looked old, but it had a feeling to it – a feeling Wooyoung couldn't really describe.

"I didn't expect you to remember this place..."

Curiosity was sparked by those words – made Wooyoung wonder, if he ever had been there. He wondered what this place meant to San. He wondered what it meant for them. He wondered why San was showing him this unknown place. He wondered what exactly they were doing there.

On the way to the little garden house, Wooyoung had thought of many places San could have taken him to. There were many places all over their little town filled with memories – memories Wooyoung wouldn't want to replace for anything. Wooyoung had never expected though, for San to take him to an unfamiliar place. A place where the two could share new memories at. In a way though, the place already felt like home. It felt like Wooyoung was supposed to be there.

Wooyoung let his eyes wander all over the place – wanting to take in every bit of beauty nature gave them. Feeling San's chest press against his back and his hands settle itself onto Woo's hips, Wooyoung let his head fall against San's chest. He enjoyed the closeness San had been looking for the whole day.

"It's pretty..."

The words left his lips as nothing more than a whisper. San heard him though – Wooyoung could feel the vibrations of San's answer against his back. San pressed a kiss against Woo's temple – the younger boy not able to hold back a quiet giggle. Wooyoung could feel San move him along by the hips – walking closer to a little door on the garden house.

"Let's go inside, sweetheart."

If Wooyoung had thought the outside was pretty, then the inside was literally breath-taking. It was literally a dream. The place was warm and cosy – perfect to flee from reality for a bit. It felt like there were mattresses, blankets and pillows everywhere – it looked soft like a cloud. On the walls were different kind of fairy lights. They were hanging all over the place and giving the place the perfect warm glow. It was everything Wooyoung had ever dreamed of.

Wooyoung couldn't stop himself from jumping into the softness of pillows and blankets. A smile spread onto his lips, followed by a loud giggle. His arms automatically pressed a pillow against his chest and his eyes fell onto San, who was watching him with adoration in his eyes.

San had wanted to show this place to Wooyoung for a long time. It had taken him months to make the place look the way it did in the moment. San had taken more changes onto it than he liked to admit. But he wanted it to be perfect – perfect for the moment he would be able to bring Woo there.

_"I wish we had a place where could just cuddle all day. No one would interrupt us and we wouldn't have to do anything else."_

_Wooyoung was laying with his head on San's chest. Wooyoung's eyes were looking up into San's own – the older boy having a fond smile on his lips. Wooyoung was so cute. Wooyoung had been laying on his chest for a while – nothing had been important enough to make either of the boy's move. Nothing could be important enough to make Woo leave his favourite place on San's chest. The only times Wooyoung had moved was to place a kiss onto San's lips or to tighten his arms around San's waist._

_"The place would be filled with mattresses, blankets and pillows..." There was a dreamy sigh leaving Wooyoung's lips. "Maybe you could also bring some of your plushies. The walls would be filled with fairy lights. It would be perfect."_

_Wooyoung said it all with a grin on his lips – there was a small giggle falling from his lips. It really sounded like a dream – like something out of those romance movies. San could imagine it perfectly. It would be cosy and warm – exactly what San and Wooyoung needed._

When Wooyoung opened his arms, San couldn't hold himself back from joining the other boy in the mess of blankets and pillows. Wooyoung didn't even give San a chance to fully lay down before he was crawling onto San's chest. It made an amused giggle fall from San's lips.

"You know..." There was a pause in San's words. "I found this place the night you kicked me out..."

San let his hands run along Woo's back – knowing exactly how much Wooyoung enjoyed back rubs. The other hand laid itself below his head – eyes staring up at the ceiling. He was getting lost in his thoughts – there is so much he had to tell Wooyoung, he didn't know where to start.San was thinking about the night Wooyoung had thrown him out – thinking about how he had been walking around carelessly with no destination in mind. There had been so many thoughts and even more emotions. It had all been so much.

San could feel Wooyoung sit up – straddling his lap. San sat up himself – leaning himself against the pillowed wall behind his back. He wanted to be eye level with Wooyoung. He wanted to look into the curious eyes of Woo while telling him about everything.

"I had tried to find a place to unwind..." A tired sigh left San's lips. "My emotions had been so overwhelmed that night." Wooyoung grabbed San's hand into his own – started playing with the fingers of the older boy. It made a smile spread onto San's lips. It was a nervous habit Wooyoung had always had. "I started renovating the place. I wanted to make something nice out of it. It reminded me of you." San could feel a tear escape from his eyes – Wooyoung not giving it a chance to run down his cheeks before wiping it away. "I have wanted to show you this place for so long... And I just- I just couldn't."

Quiet settled between the two boys – both boys thinking deeply about that night. It had been the first time that they had ended a day on bad terms. Usually they couldn't stay away from each other long enough. One of them had always been the bigger person to apologise or to look for confrontation when something needed to be talked out. Ending a day like that, had hurt both of them more than they ever liked to admit.

"Why did you leave?"

Hearing those words leave Wooyoung's lips made San's heart clench. The pain was obvious. San knew that it had been something Wooyoung had wondered about for a long time. San had meant everything to Wooyoung and Wooyoung had meant everything to San – either couldn't deny the truth. So being left behind like this had hurt more than words could ever put out.

"I had to..."

"Y-You didn't have to..." A single tear was running down Woo's cheek. "And you know that."

The single tear was followed by another one and another one – till the tears weren't stopping anymore. It made San's heart clench all over again. Wooyoung had never told San how much he had hurt him, but San had known all along. He had seen it in every look Wooyoung had given him, had seen it in every faked laugh and had seen it every time they had spent time with their group together. The strongest, he heard it, every time Wooyoung declined to meet up after San had agreed to join them.

San had never shown how much all of it had affected him – he knew he wasn't in a place to. He had been the reason why they had ended up like this. It hadn't mattered how much it had hurt him to not be able to hug Wooyoung or how much it had hurt him to not be the reason behind his smiles anymore. He hadn't wanted Wooyoung to see how much it had affected him. He had seemed careless – as if it hadn't been the hardest thing to do.

"You know I had to..." There was another tired sigh. "It was unhealthy."

Wooyoung couldn't keep looking into San's eyes. The pain presenting itself in his eyes made Wooyoung's heart clench. Wooyoung knew that San had never fully shown how much it all had affected him – He had always put on a perfect mask to hide it all. The first time Wooyoung had been able to see how much everything had hurt San was a week ago, when San had broken down in front of him.

"But-But you loved me..."

Wooyoung felt San take his chin between his fingers. Looking into San's eyes, the pain was striking. The pain was written over every feature Wooyoung could see. There was another emotion coming through though – an emotion Wooyoung knew all too well. It made Woo's heart beat faster. A smile was stretching onto San's lips.

"And I still love you just as much." A disbelieving laugh left San's lips. "God Wooyoung, how could I not love you?"

There were the words Wooyoung had been waiting for. San had finally said it. Wooyoung had finally heard San say it – after so long. In a way, Wooyoung couldn't believe it. He had hoped San would say those words so many times. A shiver ran down his spine. The sincerity in San's voice getting to him.

Wooyoung had imaged San saying those words so many times. He had pictured so many different scenarios in his mind. But none could come close to this – none of it had felt so heart wrenching and sincere. Wooyoung wouldn't want to exchange it for any of his imaginary scenarios.

The smile was still on San's lips when he pressed his lips against the soft plush ones of Wooyoung – his hand falling onto Woo's cheek. San put every bit of emotion he felt for Wooyoung into the kiss, while Wooyoung tried to give back just as much. Wooyoung wanted San to know that he still loved him – loved him as much as he had a year ago. He needed San to know that his feelings never changed.

"But no matter how much I loved you, I was still dating Minhyuk. I had to keep my distance." There was a playful smile on San's lips. "I was never able to control myself around you."

San was still cradling Woo's cheek in his hand – the small smile playing on his lips never leaving. Everything felt like it was falling into place. It felt like, everything was heading into the right direction. After so long, it finally felt right.

Wooyoung couldn't meet San's eyes – not because there was pain visible, but because of the fondness. It made Wooyoung's heart beat faster. There was just pure adoration and love written over San's features. It made Wooyoung blush. His fingers started to play with the hem of San's shirt.

It wasn't the first time Wooyoung had seen San look at him like this – but it still felt different. This time San had actually said that he loved him. Wooyoung was sure it wasn't just his imagination. No, the emotions were real.

"Why-" There was a pause in Woo's words. "Why did you start dating Minhyuk?"

"It's like I told you." There was still the fond smile on San's lips. "I was scared to lose you, Wooyoung. If we had ever started dating, there could have always been the chance of me completely losing you. And I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you. I can't live without you, Youngie."

The cradling on Wooyoung's cheek stopped – making Woo look up into San's eyes. San wanted Wooyoung to see how serious he was about his words. He really was scared of losing Wooyoung. Wooyoung was the one thing he would never be able to live without. Still, after hearing it for the second time – Wooyoung couldn't believe it. San had really been scared to lose him. San had always known that Wooyoung couldn't function properly without San around. Wooyoung had always needed San's presence by his side. It had never even crossed Woo's mind to leave San – he just couldn't imagine living without San by his side. He was too infatuated by San to ever be able to leave him.

Wooyoung unconsciously placed a small kiss onto San's hand, which was still holding his cheek. He wanted to try to tell the boy that he would never leave him. Wooyoung wanted San to know that he wouldn't be able to live without his warm body next to his cold one. Wooyoung needed San.

San let a small smile spread onto his face again – placing another short kiss onto Woo's lips. The kiss was soft, but filled with love and adoration. The kiss shared promises through light brushes of lips and pink cheeks.

Wooyoung nuzzled their noses together – a small giggle falling from his lips which made the smile on San's lips grow bigger. San nuzzled his nose into the younger boy's neck while he placing light kisses onto Woo's skin at the same time. San wanted to hear more of those soft giggles which fell from Wooyoung's lips He wanted to keep hearing the sound that made him happier than anything.

Looking at Wooyoung once more, Saw could see the happiness glistening in Wooyoung's eyes. But he could also see that there was still a question the younger boy wanted to ask. It was an answer he needed to hear for reassurance. He needed it to be sure that San was his and his only. San could see that Wooyoung was nervous about it. The answer to his question could change everything. If San didn't give the right answer, it could break them apart again. They would have to go back to pretending. They would have to go back to ignoring each other and this time, it was for good. It would end all hope they ever had for each other. The 'I love you's, they had exchanged, wouldn't mean anything anymore. It would all be over. It would never be San and Wooyoung again.

"Did you-"

"Yes." There was a soft smile on San's lips. "I broke up with Minhyuk."

The smile that broke out onto Wooyoung's lips was beautiful. It showed that those words were everything that he needed to hear. He didn't need to hear anything else. San could feel Wooyoung relax – finally every bit of strain fell from Wooyoung's body. Wooyoung finally let himself feel everything – let himself feel every bit of love he had for San. There was no reason to hold back anymore.

Wooyoung's arms winded itself around San's neck. His body pressed itself closer to San's own. Their faces were only millimetres apart – a teasing smile was making itself seen on Wooyoung's lips when his lips slightly brushed San's. San's arms slinging itself around Woo's waist – pulling his body even closer against his own. When he moved his lips slightly against Wooyoung's own, he could feel Wooyoung's breath tickle his cupid bow.

"So..." There was playfulness in Woo's voice. "Can I call you mine now?"

The smiles grew on each of their lips – every word Woo spoke making their lips brush against each other. Wooyoung didn't even realise he was pressing himself closer to San's body. San tightened his arms around Wooyoung's waist.

"I have been yours all this time anyways."


	7. remember when you taught me fate? said it all be worth it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woo's eyes fall onto their intertwined hands – his thumb wandering softly over San's wrist. He let his eyes wander over the words – which are tattooed onto the older boy's wrist. Wooyoung let the words sink in once more – let them hit him as deeply as they had when he had first read them years ago.
> 
> "Because my hand might be in yours only for a moment..."
> 
> While Wooyoung is saying those words, he let his eyes connect with San's own once more. There isn't just a grin spreading onto Woo's lips – but also on San's. Wooyoung can feel the happiness run through his body – the happiness that comes with San. The happiness that comes with loving San.
> 
> San knows where Wooyoung was going with this – maybe he had known all along what Woo is about to say. Connecting his lips with Woo's soft ones, he interrupts his words. He wants to finish what his lover was saying. He squeezes their hands together.
> 
> "...But my heart will be yours forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was inspired by the quote "You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever."
> 
> tw / usage of alcohol and drugs, vulgar language, making out, mention of losing virginity and short coming out story

"Do you remember the last time we were here?"

There is a light smile on Woo's lips while speaking those words – memory after memory flooding his mind. It has been three years since the last time they had been able to visit this place. Their last visit had been filled with love, heartbreak and too many tears – but it had all been worth it. So, so worth it. Wooyoung wouldn't want to exchange it for anything.

"God..." There is a light groan coming from deep inside San. "Please don't remind me..."

San and Wooyoung are laying in their shared bed. Their naked bodies are pressed against each other, fingers are running across soft skin and lips are meeting skin wherever they can reach. Wooyoung can feel San trace random patterns onto his back. Woo has his head laying onto the strong chest of his lover – legs finding San's under the blanket. San presses a finger into a mark he had left the night before. A whine leaves Wooyoung's lips at the feeling – blush rising onto his cheeks and head hiding into the crook of San's neck.

San's mind is flooding with memories – hit with the realisation of how much has changed between Wooyoung and him. The last time they had laid in this bed together, the air had been filled with tension of unspoken words. No matter the amount of soft touches they had shared – there had been a dark cloud hanging over their heads reminding them of how wrong it was.

But now – Wooyoung belongs to San. Love blooms between them from new every day. There is no reason to hold back – to hide what they are both feeling. Love shows in every small interaction between them – if it is from the love-filled stares, the light touches shared during the day or the randomly stolen kisses. San wouldn't want to miss any of it again.

Paying attention, San can hear their friends downstairs in the kitchen. There is already bickering filling the air, joined by clattering of pants and pots. The complaining of Jongho isn't easy to ignore – the loud giggles from Yunho and Mingi even less. There is a warm feeling spreading through San – a feeling that only his friends are able to bring out.

Wooyoung's eyes don't leave San's face – studying features he knows way to well. There is a soft smile on Woo's lips. San is beautiful. Wooyoung wonders what is going through his lover's mind. The soft smile on San's lips makes Woo only more curious – he wants to share the happiness San seems to be feeling in the moment.

"What are you thinking about?"

"This place... Our friends..." There is a sigh falling from San's lips – contentment present. "Us."

A kiss is placed onto San's lips – Wooyoung's lips stretching into a grin against his own. Giggles fall from both of their lips. The air around them is filled with adoration and contentment. It is all they could have ever asked for. It is something, they had missed out for so long.

Letting his head fall onto San's chest again, Wooyoung let his thoughts consume him. He joins San in the thoughts of their friends, their memories and their love. He can't hold himself back though – having to place kisses onto San's chest every now and then. He needs to feel San's skin under his lips. He had missed out for too long to not allow himself to do so.

"You know..." There is a break in San's words. His eyes connect with Woo's. "If we hadn't gone here three years ago, I don't think we would be dating right now..."

A pout build on Woo's lips at those words – his mind being consumed by the words San had just said. Those words are something Wooyoung had thought about before. He had often wondered about different outcomes and about easier ways to find their love. Wooyoung knows everything could have been so much easier if both of them had been honest from the beginning. If either of them had looked for the confrontation, they both had been too scared to have. But no matter how often Woo thinks about it – he wouldn't want to change it.

Wooyoung likes to think that everything that had happened, had happened for a reason. He likes to think, it was supposed to make them strong – that it was supposed to make their love stronger. He likes to think, the heartbreak and the tears wanted to show them, that their love could go through the lowest moments and still survive.

"Hm... I think we would still be dating, even if we hadn't gone..."

The curiosity on San's face is obvious – eyebrows raised and lips formed into a slight 'O'-form. It is obvious, San wants Wooyoung to go on – to explain what he is thinking. It makes Woo grin – the answer clear in his mind and in his heart.

"How come?"

Woo's eyes fall onto their intertwined hands – his thumb wandering softly over San's wrist. He let his eyes wander over the words – which are tattooed onto the older boy's wrist. Wooyoung let the words sink in once more – let them hit him as deeply as they had when he had first read them years ago.

"Because ** _my hand might be in yours only for a moment..._** "

While Wooyoung is saying those words, he let his eyes connect with San's own once more. There isn't just a grin spreading onto Woo's lips – but also on San's. Wooyoung can feel the happiness run through his body – the happiness that comes with San. The happiness that comes with loving San.

San knows where Wooyoung was going with this – maybe he had known all along what Woo is about to say. Connecting his lips with Woo's soft ones, he interrupts his words. He wants to finish what his lover was saying. He squeezes their hands together.

"... ** _But my heart will be yours forever_**."


End file.
